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Please give me suggestions about how to improve this essay about South Sea Islanders in...

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rainbow224 | Student, Grade 10 | Valedictorian

Posted October 17, 2012 at 2:03 PM via web

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Please give me suggestions about how to improve this essay about South Sea Islanders in Australian history.

As South Sea Islanders continued to work in industries in Australia they were regularly subjected with racial discrimination [Majority of essay removed to protect against Internet vandalism.]

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pohnpei397 | College Teacher | (Level 3) Distinguished Educator

Posted October 17, 2012 at 2:48 PM (Answer #1)

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The first of these paragraphs still shows some of the problems with your essay as originally written.  Its purpose is not as clear as that of the other paragraphs in your revised essay.

This could be helped by removing the second and third sentences.  These sentences are about the difficulties that the Islanders faced when they first arrived.  This would really go quite well in your paragraph about how many of them died of homesickness and such.  It would go well because it explains why their lives were hard and why so many died.

Once this is removed, you need to find a new thesis statement.  This paragraph seems to be about the idea that the Islanders have helped Australia and yet have been treated badly.  I would start the paragraph by saying “During their time in Australia, Islanders have contributed to Australian society.  Even so, Australians have continued to ignore them and treat them badly.  I would then remove the sentence that begins “On the other hand” and would leave the rest as is.

I would then add a little more, if possible, about how their efforts have not been appreciated and why they have still lived in poverty.

Overall, though, you have improved your essay a great deal.  Well done. 

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