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Please give me suggestions about how to improve this essay about South Sea Islanders in...

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rainbow224 | Student, Grade 11 | (Level 1) Valedictorian

Posted October 17, 2012 at 2:01 PM via web

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Please give me suggestions about how to improve this essay about South Sea Islanders in Australian history.

A magnificent afflict South Sea Islanders had faced was the discriminations and mistreatments they received labouring [Majority of answer removed to protect against Internet vandalism.]

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pohnpei397 | College Teacher | (Level 3) Distinguished Educator

Posted October 17, 2012 at 2:21 PM (Answer #1)

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Here, too, the changes I would make are minor and mostly have to do with wording.

“Magnificent afflict” is definitely not the phrase you want to use here.  “One of the most important difficulties” would be better. 

The word “had” in that sentence should be removed.

“Discrimination” and “mistreatment” typically do not get made into plurals.

Do you need to define “blackbirding” or is that a term that has been introduced in your class and/or is in common usage in Australia?  Here in the US, it is not a commonly used term.

In the sentence that begins “They signed…” the word “discriminates” should be in the past tense to agree with the words “signed” and “revealed.”

In the last sentence, you should start with “The Australian Government…”

Finally, please be sure to cite your sources in the finished document.  All of these statistics need to be cited.

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