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Please give me suggestions about how to improve this essay about South Sea Islanders in...

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rainbow224 | Student, Grade 10 | Valedictorian

Posted October 17, 2012 at 2:00 PM via web

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Please give me suggestions about how to improve this essay about South Sea Islanders in Australian history.

In the 1860s, people believed that white labour could not labour safely in the tropics [Majority of essay removed to protect against Internet vandalism.]

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pohnpei397 | College Teacher | (Level 3) Distinguished Educator

Posted October 17, 2012 at 2:12 PM (Answer #1)

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This is very much better than your first effort from yesterday.  The change in your thesis statement makes the thesis fit much better with the rest of the essay.  I only have a few very minor suggestions to this revised version of your introduction.

First, I would add the words “during their time in Australia” to the end of your paragraph just to be clear about where that daunting experience played out.

Second, you should decide whether “South Sea Islanders” and “Islanders” is going to be capitalized.  In yesterday’s version, you typically capitalized this.  Here, it’s capitalized once but not the second time.

Overall, however, very much better.

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