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Please give me suggestions about how to improve this essay about South Sea Islanders in...

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rainbow224 | Student, Grade 10 | Valedictorian

Posted October 16, 2012 at 12:35 PM via web

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Please give me suggestions about how to improve this essay about South Sea Islanders in Australian history.

As South Sea Islanders continued to be subjected with racial discrimination and harsh treatment, they excelled in several areas and made contribution to the nation. Majority of the Islanders weren’t capable of speaking or writing in English and so they signed a three-year work contracts thinking that they were only going for three months and were shocked when they realised that they would be gone for 36 months instead. With every new moon, several Islanders marked a tree to know when it was time to go to their homes. The first arrival of South Sea Islanders had to learn English and struggled to adapt to Queensland’s climate. They had little resistance to disease that include: measles, smallpox, tuberculosis, dysentery and pneumonia and many found difficulty in coping with all the different foods. On the other hand, South Sea Islanders had an impact on the development of grazing and farming, maritime industry, mining, pearling, domestic services, childcare and railways. They served the nation as members of the defence force in times of war and peace. Furthermore, they excelled in education, health, politics, government, religions, business, art and sport. 

The South Sea Islander’s tremendous effort and their struggles have paid off. They have created a unique history to themselves that will remain to be acknowledged by Australians today. Their work impacted on many areas in Australia, especially in sugar industries. 

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pohnpei397 | College Teacher | (Level 3) Distinguished Educator

Posted October 16, 2012 at 1:59 PM (Answer #1)

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Now, you are back to saying that this is an essay about how the islanders have impacted Australia.  But you really have said very little in this essay about how this has been true.  This paragraph, too, does little to prove that the islanders have had an impact.  At least half of this paragraph (the first five sentences) shows nothing about how islanders have impacted Australia.  Your final three sentences in the first paragraph of this excerpt claim that islanders have had major impacts, but give no proof.

Overall, then, this essay does not really prove what you have set out to prove.  You say that the essay is about the impact islanders have had on Australia, but your essay is really about what a hard time they had and how badly they were treated.  If you are allowed to do so, you should change the whole topic of the essay.  You should change your introduction and conclusion to say that this is an essay about what a hard time these islanders had.  If you are not going to change your thesis, you need a lot more information about how islanders have had an impact on the country. 

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