Homework Help

Please give me suggestions on how to improve this paragraph of an essay which is...

user profile pic

rainbow224 | Student, Grade 11 | (Level 1) Valedictorian

Posted April 20, 2013 at 3:06 AM via web

dislike 2 like

Please give me suggestions on how to improve this paragraph of an essay which is written from the perspective of Shylock from The Merchant of Venice.

Please correct grammar, punctuations and sentences

Paragraph4:

Every morning I woke up, I asked myself, “Will something change eventually?” My Jewish brothers being beside me is what gave me faith to continue living as they all had similar experiences. They taught me that I had to move on or I will be just stuck in an endless exploding hurricane. Day after day, i tried to go up one step ahead into coming back to my senses and that’s when I met Leah. She was so beautiful I believe words are not powerful enough to describe. She was humble, angelic, just listening to her talk soothed me. She has been though a lot herself but she was stronger than I. She knew how to pick up herself after falling brutally. I was blessed to have her beside me.  She motivated me to continue this life. I was able to treasure something again, something that will not be taken away from me. With her, I was able to recover from my shock and have something I can be happy about. We went through so many sufferings but we were there for each other and that is what kept us on our feel. She gave me an exquisite ring, one that looked as beautiful as her. It represented our love, our agony, what life had made us go through, but most importantly, that we are there for each other. I held onto the ring tighter than anything else. Me and Leah soon got married and gave birth to a beautiful daughter, Jessica. I thought this happiness could last; nothing will ever go in our way anymore. But when Jessica was at the age of 1, Leah was killed during the various attacks on the Jewish community. Now, Leah was taken away from me. I was disgusted from this beastly society. I hated Christians as they always took away what was precious to me. Again, I became a forlorn soul that felt nothing but melancholy. I felt as if black blood was running through my heart; a stream of hatred, a never-ending tide.  The seed of vile and unrestrained anger and hatred planted so deep inside of me, spread and natured by the injustice and wrong done to me.  This seed encapsulated my mind; altered my action and thoughts. Everyone feed it and water it all the time until I lost sense of control. I had to raise Jessica alone; it was never easy. I was in lack of money regularly, so I had to work with whatever job appropriate and available. They were arduous years. This effort all seems to go to waste as a Christian man made her elope with him, deserting me, her own father who treasured her so preciously. She even took Leah’s ring that she knew so well how much it meant to me. I cannot believe until now that she traded it for a monkey, I would not have given this ring for a wilderness of monkeys. I noticed later that at the day of elopement, I was invited by Antonio to supper. It was crystal clear to me that Antonio set this all up which made my hatred towards him even greater. I know now that I am at wrong, I was made blind by my loathing. I am truly apologetic.  

Conclusion: 

I am hated by Venetians; despised for my religion, culture, and occupation; betrayed by my own daughter; and ultimately undone by the very city in which I lived in. Therefore, I coldly attempted to revenge the wrongs done to me by murdering my persecutor; Antonio. Therefore, I doggedly pursued my bond. However, I got humiliated in the court, stripped of much of my wealth and forced to convert to Christianity; I became a broken man, rejected from everyone. But I believe that my punishment is problematic for it seems to mimic the very crime which I am really being accused, and that crime is absolutism. My sense of decency has been fractured by the persecution I endured.  I have been made the hard, savage, relentless creature by long and cruel oppression. I beg of you to please show pity, forgiveness is a Christian value so please reconsider the conversions of a repentant sinner. I am more sinned against than sinning.

 

1 Answer | Add Yours

user profile pic

durbanville | High School Teacher | (Level 1) Educator Emeritus

Posted April 23, 2013 at 12:41 PM (Answer #1)

dislike 1 like

Please note that eNotes rules do not allow for multiple questions, such as yours. Please refer to the attached links to help you edit your essay. For good vocabulary and spelling, crossword puzzles are very helpful as long as you keep a good Thesaurus close by.

To improve this paragraph, first of all: 

  1. Convert it(excluding the conclusion) into two paragraphs as it is too long. Any reader could stop reading before the end of this paragraph as there is too much information without a break. "Now, Leah was taken away from me" concludes this paragraph as what follows starts another concept - Shylock's hate for the Christians. 
  2. "I know now that I am (at) wrong, I was made blind by my loathing. I am truly apologetic" - This belongs in your conclusion as it is clear and reinforces the whole reason for this essay which you have written like a letter, revealing Shylock's apparent repentance.
  3.  Your tenses are sometimes confused in this paragraph. Stick to a tense (ie past tense, present tense, etc); eg,  "that we are there for each other."
  4. Try and use quotes from the play to give real meaning to your essay as this will strengthen your argument that Shylock has been wronged by the Christian society in which he lives; by the very people who supposedly, teach compassion and mercy.  Some examples are: " The villainy you teach me I will execute" (III.i.62)  and in asking for mercy " it is twice bless'd;
    It blesseth him that gives, and him that takes."(IV.i.89)

Good luck!

 

 

Sources:

Join to answer this question

Join a community of thousands of dedicated teachers and students.

Join eNotes