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Please show me grammar, punctuation and sentence errors and give me suggestions on how...

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rainbow224 | Student, Grade 10 | Valedictorian

Posted April 20, 2013 at 3:01 AM via web

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Please show me grammar, punctuation and sentence errors and give me suggestions on how to improve this essay.

Honoured gentlemen of the Court,

I am well aware that your empathy upon me is minor as in your eyes; I am a Jew who you have forced to convert on threat of death. ....

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I am nothing more than an anguished soul, excluded from society. I have been a victim of bigotry. Since forever, I have been excluded member of the Venetian society, ....

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K.P.L. Hardison | College Teacher | eNotes Employee

Posted April 23, 2013 at 8:04 PM (Answer #1)

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Your errors in the categories pf punctuation, grammar and sentence structure [by "sentence," I suppose you mean sentence structure] are not so many. Your greatest error by far lies in the category of word choice, or vocabulary. You have errors of logic, anachronism, idiom use and collocation. These are all remedied by analysis, dictionaries and idiom dictionaries. Good dictionaries for this are Longman Dictionary of Contemporary English, TheFreeDictionary Idiom Dictionary, Dictionary.com Dictionary and Thesaurus and Oxford Advanced Learner's English Dictionary. Let's start by listing some of your errors in their categories (errors are in bold).

US/WE
-Us Jews are hated by the Venetians; despised for our religion, culture, and occupation. Please do not put the blame all on me. Why are we despised
-Us Jews are denied, repudiated by the Venetian society.

WORD CHOICE
-money-grubbing guarantor.
-faced many intellectual sufferings
-called me a misbeliever,
-frequent denunciations
-quintessential victims: compare cardinal
-Every Inflict penetrated my soul,
-My esteem has been degraded: compare self-esteem
-Defeated and feeble are common emotions
-all my buried hurt emotions where (sp) elicited after centuries of insult: compare ignited
-your empathy upon me is minor: prescribed collocation
-I want to manifest the vindictive adversities: use non-reflexive "make manifest something outside myself": compare elucidate

WORD ORDER
-for an occupation that we are only permitted to practise by the law: should be for the only occupation we are permitted to practice by law [by law: collocation]

PARALLELISM
-a misbeliever, cut-throat dog: should be a cut-throat

LOGIC, ANACHRONISM, IDIOM
-committing {(anything wrong done) [idiom]} to anyone (1) other than resuming (2) my Jewish culture and (3) making a living. [logic: how are 1, 2, 3 "wrong done"]
-anti-Semitic insults [anachronism]
-are in the tip of the tongue [idiom]
-I do not even know what has become of it [it: esteem] now [idiom; logic]
-I am undeniably at wrong, [idiom]

GRAMMAR
-what happened to me on such day,
-I was provoked [verb], [verb tense not shared: and thus required] aspired [verb] to draw such conditions of the bond.
-they were not provoked on their own or either is a typical of me.
I am a Jew who you have forced
-Even when Antonio came and requested to borrow money, he spoke with such brutal words.

PUNCTUATION
-“cruel and wretched Jew”,
-outrage [comma] and so I was provoked,
-I apologize [comma] my Honours.

AGREEMENT
-action committed by me for they were
-are there no divine justice?

We'll look at a few of these as representative, then you can proceed. In Agreement, associated nouns, pronouns and verbs must agree as to number. You have singular "action," which is fine, but you substitute the pronoun "they," which is not fine. To keep "action," substitute "such." To keep "they," use plural "actions." "Were" agrees with plural; "was" agrees with singular.

In Punctuation, you have the interesting problem "“cruel and wretched Jew”," posing me another problem! British English (BE) uses single quote marks. American English (AE) uses double marks. Within BE style, commas go outside the marks unless part of the quoted material. Within AE style, the norm is that commas go inside quote marks regardless, though an AE faction is beginning to follow the BE style combined with double quote marks. Whichever you are using, you may need to adjust your comma following "Jew" unless using the new AE variation.

In Grammar, in "came and requested to borrow," "requested" is transitive thus must be followed by a noun Object. "Me" substituting Shylock must follow "requested": came and requested of me (Longman). Your US/WE error is solved by one of your own sentences. You know to write "We are despised" or "Are we despised?" The same structure applies to "__ Jews are": We Jews are __. "We" is the Subject substituting pronoun; "us" is the Object substitute.

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