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"Pilger seems to have perceived Obama’s’ A-team in a far too negative light; he may...

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seerboldly | Student, Grade 10 | Salutatorian

Posted August 4, 2013 at 12:38 PM via web

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"Pilger seems to have perceived Obama’s’ A-team in a far too negative light; he may not have taken into account that the US might currently be in a better condition than it could have been if managed by any other group. "

Identify how this can be rephrased and changed around in word choice so that it is either one short sentence or two sentences.

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Ashley Kannan | Middle School Teacher | (Level 3) Distinguished Educator

Posted August 4, 2013 at 3:08 PM (Answer #1)

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Word choice is tied to word economy. It certainly is so here. We can try the following:

Pilger has perceived Obama’s A-team in an excessively negative light.  He fails to acknowledge that the US might be in a better condition now than it could have been if managed by any other group.

In this instance, two sentences are formed.  "Seems" is eliminated because it sounds like Pilger actually did perceive Obama's organization in a negative light.  The semi colon is also removed because we are looking at two distinct sentences with two different thoughts.  At the same time, there are two separate thoughts present. This necessitates two separate sentences.  

The use of "currently" made the sentence more clunky and awkward.  I think that using "now" helps to convey the same idea and streamlines the focus of the sentence a bit.  Additionally, the word "excessively" has been included to add focus.  I also think that the the opening of the second thought is verbose.  Essentially, the analysis indicts Pilger's thinking.  Since Pilger's thoughts are being questioned, one might as well admit it and simply say that he "fails to acknowledge" as opposed to "He may not have taken into account."  The sentiments are the same, but the "Fails to account" is more direct in its use of language.  You can find many different approaches to word choice. Yet, I think that the sentences sound more cleaned up now with some of the changes offered.

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