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Obama's decision about the Keystone Oil Pipeline I'm writing a persuasive essay. The...

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politicalobss... | Student | eNotes Newbie

Posted January 28, 2012 at 4:29 AM via web

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Obama's decision about the Keystone Oil Pipeline

I'm writing a persuasive essay. The topic is: Should Obama have rejected the Keystone Oil Pipeline Proposal?

No, he made a completely reckless, selfish decision. Obama declined this for multiple reasons. He rejected this because his friend, Mark Wahlberg, gives him money ... But he has actually had the studies for whether the oil pipeline would have  been safe or not, AND the office had already approved the proposal for 3 years. He has had 3 years to decide!

[Essay body removed to protect against Internet vandalism. Staff.]

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pohnpei397 | College Teacher | (Level 3) Distinguished Educator

Posted January 28, 2012 at 5:29 AM (Answer #2)

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My first reaction is that you really need to provide some proof that the connection between Wahlberg and the pipeline is a major reason for Obama's decision.  You are basically saying that the president is corrupt.  You ought to have proof before you say stuff like that.

"Indulged" is the wrong word.

My opinion is that, in essays like this, exclamation points don't look very "professional."  See what your teacher thinks about using them.

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pacorz | High School Teacher | (Level 3) Educator

Posted January 28, 2012 at 7:47 AM (Answer #3)

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If you submitted this essay in my class I would hand it back and ask you to redo it. As #2 says, you need to cite some facts and/or statistics to back up the Obama/Wahlberg connection. You say Wahlberg gives Obama money "all of the time" while in fact, the finances of the President of the United States are a public matter, and you are making a very, very serious accusation in your piece. You need to get some facts. Take a look here.

There is also a tremendous amount of public concern about the environmental impacts of building the pipeline, and of increasing our dependence on a foreign fuel source. You cannot just ignore these facts; dealing with them well could strengthen your essay tremendously, whereas pretending they are not a factor makes you look like you didn't do your homework.

There is a big difference between writing a persuasive essay and attacking a public figure. As presented, your essay is not a persuasive essay, it's an opinion piece, and not a very well-written one.  You need to gather facts and thoughts from both sides of the argument and weave both into your piece. As it is, it sounds like you are just parroting the opinion of someone who is highly biased against Mr. Obama but who is not particularly well informed.

Also, you should be using formal language. Do not abbreviate state names. Get rid of informal language like "a bunch" and "who am I kidding". Get all your verbs in the same tense.  Indulged is definitely not the correct word. Limit exclamation marks to one per essay, maximum. Create a new paragraph when you change your line of thought. You have a lot of editing to do.

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rrteacher | College Teacher | (Level 1) Educator Emeritus

Posted January 28, 2012 at 9:20 AM (Answer #4)

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Your answer is working from some assumptions that you don't support. It is unclear why the president wouldn't want people to travel around the country and "have freedom." It is also unlikely that the environmentalists you mention would cast their votes for whoever the Republicans nominate if Obama alienated them with his decision to support the pipeline. As for the Wahlberg claim, serious claims require serious evidence. There isn't any in this essay.

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vangoghfan | College Teacher | (Level 2) Educator Emeritus

Posted January 28, 2012 at 1:27 PM (Answer #5)

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I've looked around on the internet to see what evidence I could find about Mark Wahlberg's alleged influence on this decision.  I haven't been able to find a thing about it.  If this accusation were true, surely it would have been discussed and debated extensively. I wonder if you could be thinking of Warren Buffet rather than Mark Wahlberg.  This article sounds similar to some of your claims:

http://www.usnews.com/opinion/blogs/peter-roff/2012/01/25/kochs-wont-benefit-from-keystone-xl-but-warren-buffett-might

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politicalobssession | Student | eNotes Newbie

Posted January 29, 2012 at 9:33 AM (Answer #6)

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First of all, Mark Wahlberg has absolutely NOTHING to do with anything. I meant Warren Buffett -- long story... And what I wrote above, that is not my persuasive essay. That is just my opinion so far. I have not written the essay yet.

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politicalobssession | Student | eNotes Newbie

Posted January 29, 2012 at 9:36 AM (Answer #7)

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Your answer is working from some assumptions that you don't support. It is unclear why the president wouldn't want people to travel around the country and "have freedom." It is also unlikely that the environmentalists you mention would cast their votes for whoever the Republicans nominate if Obama alienated them with his decision to support the pipeline. As for the Wahlberg claim, serious claims require serious evidence. There isn't any in this essay.

(This is not the essay...only my opinion) Obama does not want the country to have freedom because he wants control. The less freedom, the more control. Thank you.

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politicalobssession | Student | eNotes Newbie

Posted January 29, 2012 at 9:36 AM (Answer #8)

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If you submitted this essay in my class I would hand it back and ask you to redo it. As #2 says, you need to cite some facts and/or statistics to back up the Obama/Wahlberg connection. You say Wahlberg gives Obama money "all of the time" while in fact, the finances of the President of the United States are a public matter, and you are making a very, very serious accusation in your piece. You need to get some facts. Take a look here.

There is also a tremendous amount of public concern about the environmental impacts of building the pipeline, and of increasing our dependence on a foreign fuel source. You cannot just ignore these facts; dealing with them well could strengthen your essay tremendously, whereas pretending they are not a factor makes you look like you didn't do your homework.

There is a big difference between writing a persuasive essay and attacking a public figure. As presented, your essay is not a persuasive essay, it's an opinion piece, and not a very well-written one.  You need to gather facts and thoughts from both sides of the argument and weave both into your piece. As it is, it sounds like you are just parroting the opinion of someone who is highly biased against Mr. Obama but who is not particularly well informed.

Also, you should be using formal language. Do not abbreviate state names. Get rid of informal language like "a bunch" and "who am I kidding". Get all your verbs in the same tense.  Indulged is definitely not the correct word. Limit exclamation marks to one per essay, maximum. Create a new paragraph when you change your line of thought. You have a lot of editing to do.

No I am not well informed, and this is not the actual essay.

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brettd | High School Teacher | (Level 2) Educator Emeritus

Posted January 29, 2012 at 10:45 AM (Answer #9)

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It's fine if you have strong opinions, and it's fine if you dislike our current President.  We are lucky to live in a country where such opinions can be publicly stated on the internet without fear of recrimination.

Your essay assignment is a persuasive one, correct?  What the above posters are saying is that accusing the President of corruption and being in cahoots with Mark Wahlberg (the actor?) needs osme kind of evidence to support it.  As I said, it's fine to merely believe this, but if you want to persuade anyone of anything, much less a claim that outlandish, you need proof.  And it's important to remember that just because it is on the internet doesn't mean it is true.  Try to find a print newspaper or magazine, or a college or government website that can verify your claims and cite them as evidence.

And if you can't find a reputable source, entertain the idea that perhaps it's not true.

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litteacher8 | Middle School Teacher | (Level 1) Distinguished Educator

Posted February 7, 2012 at 8:03 AM (Answer #10)

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The biggest problem with the Keystone Oil Pipeline is that in runs through several important waterways and tributaries. This means that if there was ever a break in the pipeline, it would result in widespread pollution in several states. The pipeline needs to be elsewhere.
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santon | High School Teacher | (Level 2) Adjunct Educator

Posted March 19, 2012 at 2:47 AM (Answer #11)

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My fellow colleagues, we must not impose our political, religious and social views when guiding our students.

Your points made on simple gramatics is acceptable, but to discourage the strong and emotional arguements in the persuasive essay does not suit the real objective.

We ask our kids to write a persausive essay, we do not say they must actually persuade us.

Obama's political choices have been made for whatever his reasoning, but ultimately it is "WE THE PEOPLE" who are on the receiving end of those decisions.

We all should realize that the deal has been in the "pipeline" for a very long time. To have the deal come to the front row in the newscorp now is due to U.S. dependency problems that saturate the world news.

Obama is well aware of all the pipe lines that are already blanketing our country, and he knows that any relief to our citizens would be beneficial to his re-election.

Even if he approves, and I agree with the essay composer, we should have, it would never be up and running to provide relief any time soon. He knows that his plan for renewable energy is not going to come overnight, but it is a lot easier for him to get us to get used to 4 dollars a gallon, then deal with the politics of allowing the Keystone pipeline to be implemented on his watch.

Obama has shown he has little business savy, nor does he like to make deals where he has little control over the success.

Persuade us to "see your views."

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