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I need help to revise a paper. Are there things that I should add, delete, or...

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ivette096 | Student, Grade 10 | (Level 3) eNoter

Posted December 5, 2012 at 2:42 AM via web

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I need help to revise a paper. Are there things that I should add, delete, or change?

Growing up was difficult. My parents would always fight and it was hard for my siblings and me. There were times when it got too much that wewould all lock ourselves in a room drowning down the yelling. We would always be together in these difficult times. But the fighting didn’t stop my mom because she would always be there for us. She doesn’t have a high education but she was always working making sure we had everything we need. My parents later divorced and my mom got custody. We moved five times and it was hard us.  We had to say goodbye to our friends and moving each time we moved my family adapted well to the new change. We finally settled in North and Pulaski, our new home.

My culinary interest started when I was thirteen years old. On Saturdays my sister, brother, and I would wait for my mom to come from work. We would watch cooking shows and our favorite one was America’s Test Kitchen. We would savor the food and we would be impressed the way the chef chopped the food quickly. Also on holidays and parties I liked making small cakes, cupcakes, gelatins and different types of deserts which I enjoyed doing the most. I would also help my mom cook on anything she needed. My sister, Daisy is also interested in pursuing a baking and pastry. We dream that one day were going to have our own pastry shop and having our siblings help along.

 

1 Answer | Add Yours

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bob773 | Student, Grade 9 | (Level 1) eNoter

Posted December 6, 2012 at 1:58 AM (Answer #1)

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Add a space between we and would (2nd line)

After "drowning down the yelling." You could add "to avoid the conflict".

7th line 1st word --> needed not need.

"We had to say goodbye to our friends and moving each time we moved my family adapted well to the new change." --< this line doesn't make any sense.

"Also on holidays and parties I liked making small cakes, cupcakes, gelatins and different types of deserts which I enjoyed doing the most." End the phrase after deserts. The rest isn't necessary.

"and having our siblings help along." It's "and have our siblings help along."

Be careful of your sentences, some are very short, maybe combine some together.

 

 

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