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Can you evaluate this informative essay on AIDS?

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mahavikram | Student, Grade 9 | eNoter

Posted October 25, 2012 at 9:01 AM via web

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Can you evaluate this informative essay on AIDS?

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James Kelley | College Teacher | (Level 1) Educator

Posted October 26, 2012 at 5:23 PM (Answer #1)

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This informative essay on HIV and AIDS is off to a good start. The length and level of detail both look very good to me. If you have the time and the opportunity, though, I would encourage you to think about how you might improve the essay in five areas:

1. The thesis is not yet clearly presented. The first paragraph names the topic (AIDS) and raises a great point (“it is one of the world’s most well known diseases and most feared”) that could help you develop a clear thesis statement. Perhaps you could make clear to the reader of your essay that AIDS is so greatly feared not simply because we have no cure and just about anyone can become infected. It’s also greatly feared because, even after several decades of informational campaigns, many people still do not understand the causes of the disease of AIDS and the ways in which risks of becoming infected with HIV can be minimized. You can explain that we need to be educated about HIV and AIDS again and again, and your essay can help by educating the reader.

2. Sources must be used correctly. You cannot simply copy-and-paste text from the internet into your essay. If you use someone else’s words or ideas, you must identify (or “cite”) that source in your essay. You should not simply change a word here and there and then pretend that the borrowed material is yours. For example, your essay includes this sentence: “The earliest symptoms of HIV can look like the flu and they mostly clear up within a month or two.” The online sourcehttp://www.everydayhealth.com/hiv-aids/effects-of-hiv-on-body.aspx contains a nearly identical sentence: “The earliest symptoms of HIV can resemble the flu and they generally clear up within a month or two.” Simply changing “resemble” to “look like” is not enough. You must use your own words or put the borrowed words inside quotation marks. Also, unless told by your teacher that you don’t need to do so, you must also list all of your sources at the end of your essay, in a list called “References,” “Sources,” “Works Cited,” or something similar.

3. Some of the sentences contain significant problems in grammar and style. Every sentence must read clearly. I recommend that you read each sentence slowly, in isolation, to make sure that the sentence is complete and is as well crafted as you can make it.

4. Maintain the distinction between HIV and AIDS throughout your essay. The following sentences show an example of the two terms becoming confused in your essay: “The child to be born is thus passed the virus fro his mother. Another way of transmitting aids virus is through an HIV mother breastfeeding her child.so aids can be passed on to the child before or after birth.” These sentences might be rewritten in this manner: “The virus can be passed from the mother to the unborn child. Another way of transmitting HIV is through an HIV-positive mother breastfeeding her child. In other words, HIV can be passed from mother to child before or after birth.” [The virus can also be passed during birth, I think, but I’m not entirely sure.]

5. The essay doesn’t yet have a clear conclusion. You may want to add a brief concluding paragraph in which you talk again about the need for ongoing education about HIV and AIDS.

I hope that these comments are helpful. Please post here if you have questions for me or the other editors! Good luck!

Sources:

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mahavikram | Student, Grade 9 | eNoter

Posted October 25, 2012 at 9:07 AM (Answer #2)

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AIDS is one of the world's greatest leading causes of death. Today it is one of the world's most well known diseases and most feared, because it currently has no cure, knows no race, age, or gender but “If not nipped in the bud will engulf the entire world.”

The Human Immunodeficiency Virus (HIV) disease actually is not a disease itself but it weakens the body’s immune system and thus attracting various infections. Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome (AIDS) is the advanced stage of this disease wherein the immune system becomes irreparably damaged, leading to other complicated diseases like cancer. A person is considered HIV positive when he or she tests positive for any of the 26 diseases that can easily invade the body.

There has been abundant misconceptions about how and where this dreaded disease actually originated. According to various researches carried on by different agencies, HIV was found to have originated in west-central Africa during the early twentieth century. Since its discovery, AIDS has caused nearly 30 million deaths. As of 2010, approximately 34 million people have contracted HIV globally. AIDS is considered a virus, a disease occurrence that is present over a large area and is actively spreading. Every day, over 6800 people that are five people per approximately become infected with HIV.

HIV can also be diffused cause of contaminated blood transfusion and hypodermic needles, and from mother to child during pregnancy, delivery, or breastfeeding. It can also spread through Infected Blood and also injectable drug abuse. Some bodily fluids, such as saliva and tears, do not transmit HIV. Prevention of HIV infection, primarily through afe and needle-exchange programs, is a key strategy to control the spread of the disease.

Infected Blood is one major cause AIDS is transmitted, this happens when infected blood fusses with normal blood and the normal blood gets infected. This mainly takes place in unhygienic beauty salons when they use the same infected equipment without sterilizing then. Even in hospitals infected blood can be transfused out of carelessness.  

HIV is transmitted primarily via unprotected sexual intercourse in which, if a man with HIV has vaginal intercourse without a condom, infected fluid could pass into the woman’s blood stream through a tiny graze or sore inside her body. This can be so small that you don’t know about it. If a couple have anal intercourse the risk of infection is greater than with vaginal intercourse. Some LEDC countries like India is filled with poverty and so to earn money girls have sexual intercourse with multiple people in which one might have AIDS. And cause of that one being it spreads to others. In developed countries too, where multiple sex is not a social taboo, AIDS is on a rampant spread.

The third most common way of HIV transmission is from mother to child during pregnancy. Many a times it happens that the mother is infected with HIV but is not aware of it and goes ahead with her pregnancy. The child to be born is thus passed the virus fro his mother. Another way of transmitting aids virus is through an HIV mother breastfeeding her child.so aids can be passed on to the child before or after birth. This spread of aids can be prevented if the mother is administered antiretroviral during pregnancy and delivery and also by avoiding breastfeeding.

 

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mahavikram | Student, Grade 9 | eNoter

Posted October 25, 2012 at 9:07 AM (Answer #3)

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Last but not the least blood can be transmitted through infected needles. In undeveloped countries where the rate of illiteracy is very low, people are not aware of the consequence of using non-disposable needles. They end up getting infected via the needles for no fault of theirs. Use of infected needles by druggists is another major cause of AIDS.

The earliest symptoms of HIV can look like the flu and they mostly clear up within a month or two. These symptoms may include fever, headache, fatigue, and swelling in the lymph nodes, particularly those in the neck and groin. On the contrary, not everyone who acquires HIV will experience these symptoms. For several years, perhaps as long as a decade, a person with HIV may not have any symptoms at all. During that time, though, the virus  still multiplies in the person’s body and it is possible to transmit HIV to someone else.

HIV progresses differently for each person affected. The course of the disease is determined by the specific infections or complications a person with HIV develops. HIV complications can affect different parts of the body: Some are localized to the mouth, others in the brain, and others result in total body changes like losing body weight. Skin infections are also common.

Notwithstanding major efforts, there is no effective vaccine against HIV. The only way toprevent infection by the virus is to avoid behaviors that put you at risk, such as sharing needles or having unprotected sex. In this context, unprotected sex means sex without a barrier such as a condoms, even they are not complete safety.


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