How can I improve this introduction?This is the introduction to the letter I am writing to a high school student.There is one purpose in life: to live. Everyone has decisions to and choices to...

How can I improve this introduction?

This is the introduction to the letter I am writing to a high school student.

There is one purpose in life: to live. Everyone has decisions to and choices to make. They decide whether those are good or bad, and whether it will benefit or destroy their life. Unfortunately, many teenagers around the U.S. don't choose wisely. Instead, they chose to drink and drive. You only have one life. Don't take reckless risks to destroy it.

I have a hook in the beginning, and I have a proposition.
Considering that this is an introduction, I do not want to add any real life stories. So my question is, How can I improve this paragraph Thanks

Asked on by k9dedicated

3 Answers | Add Yours

madipadi's profile pic

madipadi | Student, Grade 11 | (Level 3) eNoter

Posted on

Maybe it's just me but it feels like you're jumping right into it. if this is a letter start out with something like "Have you ever thought of the drastic consequences of one decision, not just on yourself but on everyone around you?" questions are often the best attention getter and cause people to think and read your essay or letter more closely in hopes of finding an answer or more information about why you're asking that specific question. after the question i would say something like your sentence about many teenagers drinking and driving. To say that there is one purpose in life and that it's to live is a little dark and depressing. people want to have purposes like loving and being loved and being happy and taking care of their families, i would cut that sentence completely. after saying that many teenagers drink and drive i would include sentences about having freedom of choice to drink and drive or to get into a car with a drunk driver. but over all this is a great introduction. :)

epollock's profile pic

epollock | (Level 3) Valedictorian

Posted on

A great introduction has an attention-getting statement, background information, and a thesis. Your first three sentences are too vague and meaningless. Your hook is somewhat weak, and you need a more powerful thesis statement; one that outlines your plan, your organization of what you will be arguing or substantiating. By working on these and rewording your statements, you should develop this into a more powerful and dramatic introduction.

A paragraph has three things a topic sentence, support and analysis. An introduction has those elements in a hook, background information, and a thesis. Try to remember the acronym SEA! State your opinion, use evidence, analyze it.

priyaansh's profile pic

priyaansh | (Level 1) Honors

Posted on

I think it should be like this-

God has given human being a single life so the main purpose of this life should be to live it fully.It depends on you how you want to lead this life whether you want to enjoy it while not caring for your near & dear ones or to enjoy a contented and safe life with their love and best wishes.Most of the teenagers have choosen the first option when they drink and drive.Its your have to make your own decisions-good or bad.But these decisions are going to affect your life.Your life is precious so don't loose it for a reckless desire to enjoy it in drinking and rash driving.It's not the way to enjoy this beautiful life but a road which leads to destruction.

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