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How can I improve my paragraph?I was asked to draw a cartoon, and so I drew Junior's...

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samiha1998 | Student, Grade 9 | Honors

Posted February 18, 2013 at 7:38 PM via web

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How can I improve my paragraph?

I was asked to draw a cartoon, and so I drew Junior's view of a library. 

One of the most important themes that have come up throughout the book so far is literature. Characters in the book have showed the value of literature in different ways; for example, Mary views reading and writing romance novels as an escape out of her reality, Gordy views books as not only a source of knowledge but also exploration of the world. Whereas, Junior views drawing and cartoon as a way to connect with others. All these types of literature are how these characters helps themselves even through the darkest moments. However, one dialogue by Gordy rom the book influenced me. His message based on the analogies of mysteries to books, made me think about the next time I enter a library. It seems both Junior and I have a habit judging the size of the library; we both forget despite its size in comparison to other libraries, it contained several books full of things I still don’t know. How is it that even in such a small part of the entire world, it's filled with so many mysteries yet to be discovered? After what Gordy says, both Junior and I underwent a transition; but before the transition, both Junior and I didn’t understand the true value of books or literature in general other than merely it's contribution to knowledge- this is what is depicted in my cartoon. 

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clairewait | High School Teacher | (Level 1) Educator Emeritus

Posted February 18, 2013 at 8:02 PM (Answer #1)

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Without knowing the exact directions of the assignment, I will give some broad advice over your entire paragraph for you to take into consideration before revising. I encourage you to revise, then seek a second opinion from either a peer in the class (as a "peer review"), a parent, or another teacher.

Paragraph Content Notes:

  • a paragraph should only focus on one main idea: this paragraph loses focus by switching from the idea of literature as a theme to how you related to the characters.
  • "literature" as a theme is very broad: perhaps re-define the theme as something like "Literature is valuable for _______, _______, and ________."
  • great use of character interaction with literature as examples.
  • perhaps narrow your personal connection to the characters to one final conclusive sentence.

Paragraph Grammar/Mechanical Notes:

  • Watch out for run-on sentences and incomplete sentences. This paragraph has both.
  • Double check your punctuation, especially the correct use of commas and semi-colons.
  • Make sure the subjects and verbs in each sentence are correctly paired. Example: "One of the most important themes that has come up..."

Sources:

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