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Identify how this excerpt can be rephrased and changed around in word choice so that it...

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seerboldly | Student, Grade 10 | (Level 1) Salutatorian

Posted August 5, 2013 at 6:48 AM via web

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Identify how this excerpt can be rephrased and changed around in word choice so that it is either one short sentence or two sentences.

As a country built through “repeated wars and plunders” Obama’s A team seems to be the best solution available. Through the previous actions of Obama’s A team the US has survived the Global Financial crisis, it is similar to how Rome had fallen. Could a repetition of events actually be the best solution for the US right now where eventually after countless “wars and plunders” the US will once again thrive.

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Ashley Kannan | Middle School Teacher | (Level 3) Distinguished Educator

Posted August 5, 2013 at 7:23 AM (Answer #1)

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Sometimes in writing, the best path is the most efficient.  Word choice and simple editing play a role in this.  Here is how I would approach the excerpt:

Obama’s A team seems to be the best solution available for a country built through “repeated wars and blunders.” Averting a fate similar to Rome, the actions of Obama’s A team helped the US survive the Global Financial Crisis and allow a resurgence to take place. 

Putting aside that much of the excerpt could face heavy debate and discussion in its content, some changes needed to be made.  The focus of the excerpt is to express the stellar job of "Obama's A team."  In this light, it does not make sense to open with anything but that.  Instead of opening with the "repeated wars and plunders," asserting the basic premise in the opening of the excerpt gives a strong clarity to what is being discussed.  

The revamped second sentence cleans up some of its initial "clunkiness."  The use of the word "Averting" helps to capture the essence of the sentence.  It allows "Rome" to be mentioned, but keeps the focus on "Obama's A Team's" efforts.  I eliminated the last sentence.  If the goal was to reduce the excerpt to two sentences, the last one is the weakest of the three.  It repeats what already was said in the first one.  In its place, I included the "thrive"  element through the use of "resurgence" at the end of the second sentence.

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