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Can you please provide suggestions on how I can improve my writing and correct any...

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rainbow224 | Student, Grade 11 | (Level 1) Valedictorian

Posted September 2, 2013 at 8:11 AM via web

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Can you please provide suggestions on how I can improve my writing and correct any grammatical errors if noted? 

Prevalence:

Increasing age, people who have a family history of diabetes, have high blood pressure, had Gestational Diabetes when pregnant, come from high-risk genetic background such as indigenous, Chinese, Indian and the Pacific islands. are at a higher risk 

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durbanville | High School Teacher | (Level 1) Educator Emeritus

Posted September 2, 2013 at 8:59 AM (Answer #1)

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When writing down facts, lists are very useful and the use of bullet points helps but a sentence still needs to be complete and tenses need to correlate.  Be sure not to add unnecessary words.

You may want to consider rearranging your sentence to ensure the reader is focused on the issue itself and also if the list is quite extensive. Be careful not to contradict yourself between facts such as where you state that increasing age is a factor for the prevalence of Diabetes (Type 2) but then give a contradictory fact after age eighty. This will confuse people and should either be excluded or explained differently. I have not changed the facts here as the emphasis of this answer is on grammatical accuracy:

"Those at a higher risk of developing Type 2 Diabetes (Diabetes Australia 2011) include people who are increasing in age, those with a family history .....etc...  and those who come from high-risk genetic...etc..."

 "...the proportion of people diagnosed increases with an increase in age; for example, approximately 0.1% of those aged up to the age of thirty four compares to 14.7% in the sixty five to sixty nine year age group. Interestingly, this figure decreases again for those over eighty and stands at 12.4%.

"... The general trend of Diabetes in Australia has been  continually rising since 2003. It is also forecast that Diabetes will be the highest contributor to the disease burden..."

Factual essays are very useful and informative and every effort must be made to ensure that the reader remains focused until the end. 

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