Homework Help

Can you please provide suggestions on how I can improve my writing? Conclusion: Type...

user profile pic

rainbow224 | Student, Grade 11 | (Level 1) Valedictorian

Posted September 4, 2013 at 9:03 AM via web

dislike 1 like

Can you please provide suggestions on how I can improve my writing?

Conclusion:

Type 2 Diabetes is one of the major global threats to human health and productivity. With the continued increase in the number of obese people,

1 Answer | Add Yours

Top Answer

user profile pic

Ashley Kannan | Middle School Teacher | (Level 3) Distinguished Educator

Posted September 4, 2013 at 10:34 AM (Answer #1)

dislike 1 like

I think that there is a very good start in this essay about the implications of Type 2 Diabetes.  I made a couple of changes to make the new paragraph as such:

Type 2 Diabetes is one of the major global threats to human health and productivity. With the  increase in the number of people who are obese, the number of diagnoses of type 2 diabetes continues to rise. At the same time, Type 2 diabetes is being diagnosed in young people, leading to people being incapacitated at a young age.  As a result, nations will begin to suffer dramatic health consequences in the future.

While it is an individual’s responsibility to maintain a healthy lifestyle, the Government must step in and take actions to decrease the number of people suffering from this condition. This is especially so in Australia.  Effective strategies must be introduced and put into practice to maintain a standard healthy lifestyle among Australian people.  In reducing obesity in children, the report offers a potential strategy by  modifying school canteens to provide a wide range of healthy and fresh food options to students.

One of the most striking changes was to make the one paragraph into two paragraphs.  I felt that two different ideas are driving through the passage was the presence and challenge of Type 2 Diabetes and what Australia can do in response to it.  In the first paragraph, I made some slight changes.  I think that "obese people" being replaced with "people who are obese" presents information in a less pejorative manner.  Some additional transitions to link sentences to one another were also added.  In the second paragraph, the most significant change was evident in the transition between what governments, as political entities, can do and what Australia can do.  Ensuring this transition throughout the paragraph helps to establish a flow from the general to the specific.

Sources:

Join to answer this question

Join a community of thousands of dedicated teachers and students.

Join eNotes