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Please give me suggestions about how to improve this essay about the ideas portrayed in...

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rainbow224 | Student, Grade 10 | Valedictorian

Posted November 10, 2012 at 10:33 AM via web

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Please give me suggestions about how to improve this essay about the ideas portrayed in a TV show?

Body paragraph 4&5:

The other attitudes this episode introduces are facing emotions and relationship issues. Creators of “Moby Dick” episode [Removed by Staff to protect against Internet plagiarism.]

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pohnpei397 | College Teacher | (Level 3) Distinguished Educator

Posted November 10, 2012 at 2:59 PM (Answer #1)

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Again, these two paragraphs are well organized but do have some minor problems.  The content is fine, so if you clean up the writing you will have good paragraphs.  Some problems include:

  • “Facing emotions” and “relationship issues” are not “attitudes.”  So you need to say something like “Other issues that this episode…”
  • In the next sentence, I would say “The creators…”  I would also say “the connection between gaining weight and…”  I think it sound much less stilted.
  • It’s Dr. Albright, not Mr.  You should also make her name have a possessive; “Dick’s and Dr. Albright’s…”
  • Emotions should have an effect “on” eating habits, not “in” them.
  • In the next paragraph, “episode” should be “episode’s…”
  • Is “Mys Salt Potato Chips” the actual name of the product?
  • “Were used,” not “where used.”
  • It shouldn’t be “the following companies” as the companies were listed before this statement, not after.  Maybe just “those companies.”

Again, you’ve made your points quite nicely in terms of the content and organization of the paragraphs.

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