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Please give me suggestions about how to improve this paragraph from my essay on social...

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rainbow224 | Student, Grade 10 | Valedictorian

Posted November 10, 2012 at 10:32 AM via web

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Please give me suggestions about how to improve this paragraph from my essay on social attitudes towards weight as shown in a TV show?

Body paragaph 3:

The show reveals an insight towards society’s attitudes concerning weight gain. Initially, physical appearance is valuable to majority of people [Removed by Staff to protect against Internet plagiarism.]

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pohnpei397 | College Teacher | (Level 3) Distinguished Educator

Posted November 10, 2012 at 2:45 PM (Answer #1)

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This paragraph is well organized and makes your point quite well.  It has a good thesis and the rest of the paragraph supports that thesis.  There are, however, a number of minor errors that detract from its quality. 

  • “An insight” should be “insights” since you are listing more than one here.
  • “Initially” means “at first” and you really want to say just “First…”
  • It should be “to a majority of people.”
  • “Which has led” or “which leads…” and then continuing on in that sentence “to become judgmental…”
  • In the sentence that starts “Secondly…” it should be “is entitled.”
  • Next sentence: delete “of” in the phrase “subject of matter.”
  • In the Dick and Sally sentence, it should be either “Dick asks Sally if he looks…” or Dick questions Sally about his weight and how he looks.”
  • Last sentence: “judgments with body image” should be “judgments about” or “judgments regarding…”

Again, this is a well-organized paragraph that makes your point nicely.

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