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Can someone please proofread my essay?    My Thesis: What defines and creates a hero...

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seanprk8 | Student, College Freshman | eNoter

Posted January 26, 2012 at 12:11 PM via web

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Can someone please proofread my essay?

 

 

My Thesis:

What defines and creates a hero is limitless. George St. Pierre (GSP) is one of the Canadian heroes that are alive today. What defines George as a hero varies from his childhood, his accomplishments with the use of his heroic qualities, as well as applying that heroic quality to be an inspiration to many people to be an overall, a better person.

 

My conclusion:

Conclusively, what defines a hero is limitless but the main reasons why George is a hero is because: he did not squander his life in which he could have during his rough childhood in an infamous neighborhood (inspiration to many young teens to stay on the right path); he is constantly dedicated to training hard which led him to gain much accomplishment (even after failing; learning from his mistakes) as well as his ability to apply his unique heroic qualities including determination, loyalty and courage which inspires many people to be an overall, a better person. We Canadians should be proud to have someone like George who brings positive image to our country and to its people.

 

are my thesis and my conclusion excellent? can I have some tips on how I could improve? thank you in advance :)

2 Answers | Add Yours

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Tamara K. H. | Middle School Teacher | (Level 1) Educator Emeritus

Posted February 6, 2012 at 10:38 AM (Answer #1)

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Your Thesis: The ideas in your thesis are certainly very solid. I do, however, see a couple of editing mistakes that once fixed will turn your thesis from solid to excellent.

First, in your third sentence, it is not considered academic to refer to a subject by his/her first name.  I would suggest you refer to George St. Pierre, not as George in your third sentence, but as St. Pierre (last name references are better than first name references).

Next, some of the wording in your third sentence is a little awkward and needs to be reworked so that your point is clearer and more concise. Here is my suggestion for modifying the thesis and below is my explanation:

What defines St. Pierre as a hero stems from his childhood, his accomplishments through the use of his heroic qualities, as well as the application of his heroic qualities that inspire many to become better people.

First, varies does not seem to be the best word here. Although it may be true that the three factors you listed are variables that contribute to defining his heroism, I think it is truer that his heroism stems from all three factors, so I would suggest changing varies to stems.

Also speaking of what he accomplished through the use of heroic qualities is better than saying with. The word with really means "in the company of" (With, TheFreeDictionary), but instead of accomplishing what he did while having his qualities with him, he accomplished what he did by using his qualities, so through is better.

Finally, your last clause could be restructured to better parallel your second clause. I reworded it so that both clauses had the words heroic quality/qualities next to each other. Parallelism is very important in writing. It makes reading easier and it makes meaning more clear.

Conclusion: Instead of "George is a hero is because:" you could say instead "The reasons why St. Pierre is a hero are:"  Using are instead of because will make a smoother transition for using the colon. Also, the parenthetical statements you have don't seem very helpful for clarifying your points. I would consider instead turning those phrases into full sentences and deleting the parentheses. If you need multiple sentences for each sub-point you can number your points.  What I am suggesting will look something like this:

Conclusively, what defines a hero is limitless, but the main reasons why St. Pierre is a hero are: 1) He did not squander his life in which he could have during his rough childhood in an infamous neighborhood. His perseverance serves to inspire many young teens to stay on the right path; 2) Etc.

Also, the argument in your first bullet point is not quite clear. I think you mean to say: Even though his rough childhood in an infamous neighborhood could have led to a rough adulthood, he did not waste his life in drugs or crime.  Is that more along the lines of what you are trying to say?

A final note, it is best to avoid starting conclusions with "In conclusion" or "conclusively." It is better to just come right out and say your point.

Sources:

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tinicraw | High School Teacher | (Level 3) Educator

Posted February 3, 2012 at 5:53 AM (Answer #2)

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Some points that you might be aware of:

1. When using a colon (:) or a semi-colon (;) make sure to have an independent clause on either side of it. Don't have a fragment on one side or the other.

2. The word "because" is a connector and should not be used with a colon or a semi-colon.

3.  The paragraph above seems like a concluding paragraph; even so, rather than list a lot of abstract qualities, list the examples that they represent. Specifics work better than generalities because they provide better pictures in the minds of the readers.  Better pictures make better communication.

Remember to double-check the assignment for other specifics that the teacher might be looking for.

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