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Can someone please critique my intro and thesis statement?Ever since slavery was...

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melissa1o1 | Student, Grade 10 | eNotes Newbie

Posted October 8, 2009 at 6:10 AM via web

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Can someone please critique my intro and thesis statement?

Ever since slavery was abolished, there has been a continuous struggle of social class, poverty and equality in the United States among the African Americans, and the Caucasians. And although blacks have suffered a horrible past in this country, they are still for the most part, commonly placed in a lower category and looked down upon. In Toni Cade Bambara's short story, "The Lesson", the children's' educator, Miss Moore, wanted to teach the children that  they need to work hard so they can rise above their poverish lives they have been accustomed to, and how education is the key to prosperity as well as success no matter what ethnicity you are.

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pohnpei397 | College Teacher | (Level 3) Distinguished Educator

Posted October 8, 2009 at 10:15 AM (Answer #2)

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I think the first sentence is okay up to "the US" but then I'd say "between African Americans and Caucasians."

Second sentence: I'm not sure that "although" is right here.  It doesn't seem like there's a contrast between having a horrible past and being looked down on.  You might say "Although their treatment in the past was worse than it is now, they are still..."  I think that's what you mean, at least.

Third sentence: "need" should be "needed" so that it will agree with "wanted."  "Poverish" is not a word.  I think you need to say "the (not their) impoverished lives..."

The third sentence also runs on.  I'd end it after "accustomed to."  Then I'd say "In addition, she wasnted to teach them how..."  I'd probably also say "no matter what ethnicity one is" rather than "you are."

Hope that helps.

 

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bullgatortail | High School Teacher | (Level 1) Distinguished Educator

Posted October 8, 2009 at 1:29 PM (Answer #3)

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Can someone please critique my intro and thesis statement?

Ever since slavery was abolished, there has been a continuous struggle of social class, poverty and equality in the United States among the African Americans, and the Caucasians. And although blacks have suffered a horrible past in this country, they are still for the most part, commonly placed in a lower category and looked down upon. In Toni Cade Bambara's short story, "The Lesson", the children's' educator, Miss Moore, wanted to teach the children that  they need to work hard so they can rise above their poverish lives they have been accustomed to, and how education is the key to prosperity as well as success no matter what ethnicity you are.

Hello, Melissa. Here are my rewrite suggestions:

Sentence #1. It's a bit confusing, so try:

Ever since slavery was abolished, there has been a continuous struggle in the United States between African Americans and Caucasians involving social class, poverty and equality.

Sentence #2. Try to avoid beginning sentence with "and." So, try this: 

Although blacks have suffered horribly in the past, they are still commonly looked down upon and placed in a lower class category.

or:  ...looked down upon and considered a lower social class.

Sentence #3.  Run-on sentence with misspelling and punctuation problems. Try:

In Toni Cade Bambara's short story "The Lesson," the children's educator, Miss Moore, wanted to teach the children that they needed to work hard in order to rise above their accustomed lives of poverty, and that education is the key to prosperity as well as success, no matter their ethnic background.

Hope this helps. --John

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parama9000 | Student, Grade 11 | Valedictorian

Posted February 28, 2014 at 1:18 PM (Answer #4)

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First line, the word "between" instead of "among".

Generally some grammatical errors here and there, and run-on sentence for the last sentence.

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