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Can I have some comments on this poetry I have just written?Lost question of yours:-...

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jack159 | Student, Grade 11 | (Level 1) eNoter

Posted July 25, 2010 at 12:30 PM via web

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Can I have some comments on this poetry I have just written?

Lost question of yours:-

Mind in side and out,
Heart, egg shaped, explaining becoming impossible,
Poetry of love, scrutinized by modern worlds,
Shakespeare, Byron and Keats, names with the sands,
These which only explain words predicted with passion,
Every reflection beholds the faces of the lost ghosts of love.

Torture of the mind, cruelty of you,
Emotions of many sides, unforgiving,
To the people of many,
Planets align when sight alters.
Joys of childhood illusive,
Heights of building scraping the sky,
Appearance of single match sticks.
Quivering shudders of butterflies.

Contrast seems apparent to death.
Your voice appearing out of tune,
Shards lay open,
Red, only colour of which existed,
Trust is the weakness of me,
Defence is the narrow mind of mine.
Reflections of memory’s, apparent which they came,
Once again,
Seed of life, yet is young,
Solitude lay ahead?

2 Answers | Add Yours

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engtchr5 | High School Teacher | (Level 3) Associate Educator

Posted July 26, 2010 at 4:47 AM (Answer #2)

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You have a lot of good imagery in this poem. The more tangible mental pictures you have, the better your audience connects. We can clearly see the egg-shaped heart, the sky-scraping buildings, the shudders of butterflies, etc. and that's a good thing.

I also read this poem twice, a sure sign that it holds merit and quality. If someone mentally discards your poem after a single read, you probably missed your target, and in this case, the piece warranted a second read-through.

A few minor re-directions: You might want to see if there's a way to restate lines that have glittering poetic generalities like "Contrast seems apparent to death." Really? I'm sure there's a better way to convey this message -- give it a little thought. Also, check your spelling in the fourth line from the bottom: "memories" would work better here, even though you may have meant that the reflections belonged to memory, generating the possessive apostrophe "s." Your last three lines in this poem also generate an ambiguity which may or may not be intentional; you might consider being a little more concrete there. Overall, a very good piece in need of a few re-writes to iron out the language and make it more fluid. 

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Lori Steinbach | High School Teacher | (Level 3) Distinguished Educator

Posted August 22, 2010 at 7:09 AM (Answer #3)

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I agree with the previous post.  I would add my observation that you have constructed a lot of clear, strong images but they don't seem as connected to one another as I might like.  For example:

Heights of building scraping the sky,
Appearance of single match sticks.
Quivering shudders of butterflies.

The connections, I presume, are tied to the first line, "lost questions."  It's still a little unclear to me how the images are tied together, something they probably should do at least to some extent.

That being said, you have a lot of interesting concepts and images which give me pause to reflect--something good poetry should encourage a reader to do.  You're quite brave to allow your work to be open to public scrutiny and comment, which tells me you're serious-minded and willing to learn.  I appreciate both those qualities in any person, and especially a young person just starting his journey.  Best wishes and happy writing.

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