Scene I

[Elsinore. A churchyard.]

Enter two Clowns.

FIRST CLOWN:

Is she to be buried in Christian burial that wilfully
seeks her own salvation?

FIRST CLOWN:

Is she to be buried in Christian burial when she wilfully
seeks her own salvation?

SECOND CLOWN:

I tell thee she is; therefore make her grave
straight. The crowner hath sat on her, and finds it Christian
burial.(5)

SECOND CLOWN:

I tell you she is, and therefore make her grave straight.
The coroner has decided, and finds it Christian burial.

FIRST CLOWN:

How can that be, unless she drown'd herself in
her own defence?

FIRST CLOWN:

How can that be, unless she drowned herself in her own defense?

SECOND CLOWN:

Why, 'tis found so.

SECOND CLOWN:

Why, that’s the coroner’s finding.

FIRST CLOWN:

It must be se offendendo; it cannot be else. For
here lies the point: if I drown myself wittingly, it argues an(10)
act; and an act hath three branches: it is to act, to do, and to
perform; argal, she drown'd herself wittingly.

FIRST CLOWN:

It must be self-offense. It can’t be anything else. For
here’s the point. If I drown myself knowingly, then it’s an
act and an act has three branches, it is “to act, to do, and
to perform.” Therefore, she drowned herself knowingly.

SECOND CLOWN:

Nay, but hear you, goodman delver—

SECOND CLOWN:

No, but listen, good man, get to the end.

FIRST CLOWN:

Give me leave. Here lies the water—good. Here
stands the man—good. If the man go to this water and(15)
drown himself, it is, will he, nill he, he goes. Mark you that.
But if the water come to him and drown him, he drowns not
himself. Argal, he that is not guilty of his own death shortens
not his own life.

FIRST CLOWN:

Allow me. Here lies the water, good. Here stands the
man, good. If the man goes to this water and drowns
himself, it is, will he, nil he, he goes, remember that. But
if the water comes to him and drowns him, he drowns not
himself, therefore, he that is not guilty of his own death
doesn’t shorten his own life.

SECOND CLOWN:

But is this law?(20)

SECOND CLOWN:

But is this law?

FIRST CLOWN:

Ay, marry, is't; crowner's quest law.

FIRST CLOWN:

Yes, by Mary, it’s the coroner’s inquest law.

SECOND CLOWN:

Will you ha' the truth on't? If this had not been
a gentlewoman, she should have been buried out o' Christian
burial.

SECOND CLOWN:

Will you know the truth about it? If this hadn’t been a
gentlewoman, she should have been buried without a
Christian burial.

FIRST CLOWN:

Why, there thou say'st! And the more pity that(25)
great folk should have countenance in this world to drown
or hang themselves more than their even Christian. Come,
my spade! There is no ancient gentlemen but gardeners,
ditchers, and grave-makers. They hold up Adam's
profession.(30)

FIRST CLOWN:

Why, there you’ve said it. And the more pity that great
folk should have countenance in this world to drown or
hang themselves more than another Christian. Come, my
spade. There are no old gentlemen but gardeners,
ditchers, and grave-makers. They hold up Adam's
profession.

SECOND CLOWN:

Was he a gentleman?

SECOND CLOWN:

Was he a gentleman?

FIRST CLOWN:

A was the first that ever bore arms.

FIRST CLOWN:

He was the first that ever bore arms.

SECOND CLOWN:

Why, he had none.

SECOND CLOWN:

Why, he had none.

FIRST CLOWN:

What, art a heathen? How dost thou under-
stand the Scripture? The Scripture says Adam digged.(35)
Could he dig without arms? I'll put another question to
thee. If thou answerest me not to the purpose, confess thy-
self—

FIRST CLOWN:

What, are you a pagan? How do you understand the
Scripture? The Scripture says Adam digged. Could he
dig without arms? I’ll put another question to you. if you
don’t give the correct answer, plead guilty

SECOND CLOWN:

Go to!

SECOND CLOWN:

OK.

FIRST CLOWN:

What is he that builds stronger than either the(40)
mason, the shipwright, or the carpenter?

FIRST CLOWN:

Who builds stronger than either the mason, the
shipbuilder, or the carpenter?

SECOND CLOWN:

The gallows-maker; for that frame outlives a
thousand tenants.

SECOND CLOWN:

The gallows-maker, for that frame outlives a thousand tenants.

FIRST CLOWN:

I like thy wit well, in good faith. The gallows
does well. But how does it well? It does well to those that(45)
do ill. Now, thou dost ill to say the gallows is built stronger
than the church. Argal, the gallows may do well to thee.
To't again, come!

FIRST CLOWN:

I like your joke, I swear. The gallows does well,
but how does it well? It does well to those that do ill.
Now, you say the gallows is built stronger than the
church, Therefore, the gallows may do well to you. Do it
again, come on.

SECOND CLOWN:

Who builds stronger than a mason, a ship-
wright, or a carpenter?(50)

SECOND CLOWN:

Who builds stronger than a mason, a shipbuilder, or a carpenter?

FIRST CLOWN:

Ay, tell me that, and unyoke.

FIRST CLOWN:

Yes, tell me that, and stop my guessing.

SECOND CLOWN:

Marry, now I can tell!

SECOND CLOWN:

By Mary, now I can tell.

FIRST CLOWN:

To't.

FIRST CLOWN:

Do it.

SECOND CLOWN:

Mass, I cannot tell.

SECOND CLOWN:

Mass, I cannot tell.

FIRST CLOWN:

Cudgel thy brains no more about it, for your(55)
dull ass will not mend his pace with beating; and when you
are asked this question next, say 'A grave-maker.' The
houses that he makes last till doomsday. Go, get thee in
Yaughan; fetch me a stoup of liquor.

[Exit Second Clown. First Clown digs and sings.]

In youth when I did love, did love,(60)
Methought it was very sweet;
To contract—O—the time for—a—my behove,
O, methought there—a—was nothing—a meet.

FIRST CLOWN:

Stop beating your brains out over it, for your dull donkey
will not get faster with beating, and when you are next
asked this question, say “a grave-maker,” the houses he
makes last till doomsday. Go, get you to Johann, bring
me a mug of whiskey.

In youth when I did love, did love,
I thought it was very sweet,
To contract, O, the time for, ah, my reason,
O, I thought there was nothing meet.

Enter Hamlet and Horatio.

HAMLET:

Has this fellow no feeling of his business, that he sings
at grave-making?(65)

HAMLET:

Has this fellow no feeling of his business, that he sings at
grave-digging?

HORATIO:

Custom hath made it in him a property of easiness.

HORATIO:

Habit has made it a property of easiness in him.

HAMLET:

'tis e'en so. The hand of little employment hath the
daintier sense.

HAMLET:

That’s true. The one that doesn’t work has the more
delicate sense.

FIRST CLOWN:

[Sings.]
But age with his stealing steps(70)
Hath clawed me in his clutch,
And hath shipped me intil the land,
As if I had never been such.

FIRST CLOWN:

But age, with his stealing steps,
Has clawed me in his clutch,
And has shipped me until the land,
As if I had never been such.

[Throws up a skull.]

HAMLET:

That skull had a tongue in it, and could sing once.
How the knave jowls it to the ground, as if 'were Cain's(75)
jawbone, that did the first murder! This might be the pate of a
politician, which this ass now o'erreaches; one that would
circumvent God, might it not?

HAMLET:

That skull had a tongue in it, and could sing once. How
the man jowls it to the ground, as if it were Cain's
jawbone, that did the first murder! This might be the head
of a politician, which this ass now reaches over one that
would go around God, might it not?

HORATIO:

It might, my lord.

HORATIO:

It might, my lord.

HAMLET:

Or of a courtier, which could say 'Good morrow, sweet(80)
lord!
How dost thou, sweet lord?' This might be my Lord Such-a-
one, that praised my Lord Such-a-one's horse when he meant
to beg it, might it not?

HAMLET:

Or of a courtier, which could say 'Good morrow, sweet
lord! How are you, good lord?' This might be my lord
so-and-so, that praised my lord such-and-such's horse when
he meant to ask for it, might it not?

HORATIO:

Ay, my lord.(85)

HORATIO:

Yes, my lord.

HAMLET:

Why, e'en so! and now my Lady Worm's, chapless,
and knock'd about the mazard with a sexton's spade. Here's
fine revolution, and we had the trick to see't. Did these bones
cost no more the breeding, but to play at loggets with 'em?
Mine ache to think on't.(90)

HAMLET:

Why, even so. and now my Lady Worm's, no jaw and
knocked about the face with a sexton's spade. Here's fine
turnaround, if we were able to see it. Did these bones
cost no more the making of them but to play at games
with them? Mine ache to think about it.

FIRST CLOWN:

[Sings.]
A pickaxe and a spade, a spade,
For and a shrouding sheet;
O, a Pit of clay for to be made
For such a guest is meet.(95)

FIRST CLOWN:

A pickaxe and a spade, a spade,
For and a shrouding sheet,
Oe a pit of clay for to be made
For such a guest is ptoper.

[Throws up another skull.]

HAMLET:

There's another. Why may not that be the skull of a
lawyer? Where be his quiddities now, his quillets, his
cases, his tenures, and his tricks? Why does he suffer this
rude knave now to knock him about the sconce with a dirty
shovel, and will not tell him of his action of battery?(100)
Hum! This fellow might be in's time a great buyer of land,
with his statutes, his recognizances, his fines, his double
vouchers, his recoveries. Is this the fine of his fines,
and the recovery of his recoveries, to have his fine pate full
of fine dirt? Will his vouchers vouch him no more of his(105)
purchases, and double ones too, than the length and
breadth of a pair of indentures? The very conveyances
of his lands will scarcely lie in this box; and must the inheritor
himself have no more, ha?

HAMLET:

There's another. why can’t that be the skull of a lawyer?
Where are his arguments now, his pens, his cases, his
subpoenas, and his tricks? Why does he allow this rude
fellow to knock him about the head now, with a dirty
shovel, and will not tell him why he’s being hit? Hum!
This fellow might have been a great buyer of land in his
time, with his statutes, his emblems, his fine art, his
double billing, his house seizures? Is this the finest of his
fine art, and the seizure of his house seizures, to have
his fine pate full of fine dirt? Will his billing bill him no
more for his purchases, and double ones too, than the
length and breadth of a pair of property liens? The very
transfers of his lands will scarcely lie in this box, and
must the inheritor himself have no more, huh?

HORATIO:

Not a jot more, my lord.(110)

HORATIO:

Not a jot more, my lord.

HAMLET:

Is not parchment made of sheepskins?

HAMLET:

Isn’t parchment made of sheep-skins?

HORATIO:

Ay, my lord, And of calveskins too.

HORATIO:

Yes, my lord, And of calf-skins too.

HAMLET:

They are sheep and calves which seek out assurance
in that. I will speak to this fellow. Whose grave's this, sir-
rah?(115)

HAMLET:

They are sheep and calves which seek out assurance in
that. I will speak to this fellow. Whose grave is this, sir?

FIRST CLOWN:

Mine, sir.

[Sings.]

O, a pit of clay for to be made
For such a guest is meet.

FIRST CLOWN:

Mine, sir.

O, a pit of clay for to be made
For such a guest is meet.

HAMLET:

I think it be thine indeed, for thou liest in't.

HAMLET:

I think it’s yours indeed, for you lie in it.

FIRST CLOWN:

You lie out on't, sir, and therefore 'tis not(120)
yours. For my part, I do not lie in't, yet it is mine.

FIRST CLOWN:

You lie out of it, sir, and therefore it’s not yours. For my
part, I don’t lie in it, yet it ‘s mine.

HAMLET:

Thou dost lie in't, to be in't and say it' 'tis thine. 'tis
for the dead, not for the quick; therefore thou liest.

HAMLET:

You do lie in it, to be in it and say it is yours. It is for
the dead, not for the quick, therefore you lie.