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KING:

What do you call the play?

KING:

What’s the name of the play?

HAMLET:

The Mousetrap. Marry, how? Tropically. This play is
the image of a murder done in Vienna. Gonzago is the Duke's
name; his wife, Baptista. You shall see anon. 'tis a knavish
piece of work; but what o' that? Your Majesty, and we that(230)
have free souls, it touches us not. Let the galled jade
winch; our withers are unwrung.
This is one Lucianus, nephew to the King.

HAMLET:

The Mousetrap. By Mary, how? A metaphor. This play is
the image of a murder done in Vienna. Gonzago is the
duke's name, his wife, Baptista— you shall see her soon,
it is a bold piece of work. but what o' that? — your
majesty, and we that have free souls can’t be touched by
it. Let the bitter hussy kick, our saddles don’t pinch.
This is one Lucianus, nephew to the King.

Enter Lucianus.

OPHELIA:

You are as good as a chorus, my lord.

OPHELIA:

You are a good chorus, my lord.

HAMLET:

I could interpret between you and your love, if I could(235)
see the puppets dallying.

HAMLET:

I could translate between you and your love, if I could see
the toys flirting.

OPHELIA:

You are keen, my lord, you are keen.

OPHELIA:

You are forward, my lord, you are forward.

HAMLET:

It would cost you a groaning to take off my edge.

HAMLET:

It would cost you a night in bed to take the edge off me.

OPHELIA:

Still better, and worse.

OPHELIA:

Even better, and worse.

HAMLET:

So you must take your husbands. Begin, murderer.(240)
Pox, leave thy damnable faces, and begin! Come, the croaking
raven doth bellow for revenge.

HAMLET:

And that’s how you must take your husbands. Begin,
murderer, argh! Enough with the bad faces, and begin.
Come on. “The croaking raven bellows for revenge.”

LUCIANUS:

Thoughts black, hands apt, drugs fit, and time
agreeing;
Confederate season, else no creature seeing;(245)
Thou mixture rank, of midnight weeds collected,
With Hecate's ban thrice blasted, thrice infected,
Thy natural magic and dire property
On wholesome life usurp immediately.

LUCIANUS:

Black thoughts, hands ready, proper drugs, and the time
is right, everything OK, no other creatures around,
You mixture rotten, collected from midnight weeds,
With witch’s curse said three times, three times cursed,
Your natural magic and evil deed
Will attack wholesome life immediately.

[Pours the poison in his ears.]

HAMLET:

He poisons him i' the garden for his estate. His name's(250)
Gonzago. The story is extant, and written in very choice
Italian. You shall see anon how the murderer gets the love of
Gonzago's wife.

HAMLET:

He poisons him in the garden for his estate. His name's
Gonzago. The story is current, and written in very choice
Italian, you shall eventually see how the murderer gets
the love of Gonzago's wife.

OPHELIA:

The King rises.

OPHELIA:

The King rises.

HAMLET:

What, frighted with false fire?(255)

HAMLET:

What, frightened by false fire!

QUEEN:

How fares my lord?

QUEEN:

How are you, my lord?

POLONIUS:

Give o'er the play.

POLONIUS:

Stop the play.

KING:

Give me some light. Away!

KING:

Give me some light. Let’s go!

ALL:

Lights, lights, lights!

ALL:

Lights, lights, lights!

Exeunt all but Hamlet and Horatio.

HAMLET:

Why, let the strucken deer go weep,(260)
The hart ungalled play;
For some must watch, while some must sleep:
Thus runs the world away.
Would not this, sir, and a forest of feathers—if the rest of
my fortunes turn Turk with me—with two Provincial(265)
roses on my razed shoes, get me a fellowship in a
cry of players, sir?

HAMLET:

Why, let the stricken deer go weep,
The uninjured stag play,
For some must watch, while some must sleep.
So runs the world away.

Wouldn’t this do it, sir, together with a forest of feathers if
the rest of my fortunes turn against with me, with two
Provincial roses on my shoes I took off, to get me a
fellowship for writing with a pack of players, sir?

HORATIO:

Half a share.

HORATIO:

Half a share.

HAMLET:

A whole one, I!
For thou dost know, O Damon dear,(270)
This realm dismantled was
Of Jove himself; and now reigns here
A very, very—pajock.

HAMLET:

I think a whole one.

For you know, O dear Spice,
This kingdom was taken apart
By Jove himself, and a peacock now rules here,
A very, very peacock.

HORATIO:

You might have rhymed.

HORATIO:

You might have rhymed those lines.

HAMLET:

O good Horatio, I'll take the ghost's word for a(275)
thousand pound!
Didst perceive?

HAMLET:

O good Horatio, I’ll take the ghost's word for as real as a
thousand dollars! Did you see?

HORATIO:

Very well, my lord.

HORATIO:

Very well, my lord.

HAMLET:

Upon the talk of the poisoning?

HAMLET:

When the talk was about the poisoning?

HORATIO:

I did very well note him.(280)

HORATIO:

I watched him very well.

HAMLET:

Ah, ha! Come, some music! Come, the recorders!
For if the King like not the comedy,
Why then, belike, he likes it not, perdy.
Come, some music!

HAMLET:

Ah, ha! Come, some music! Come, the pipes!

For if the king didn’t like the comedy,
Why then, he won’t like music either, indeed.

Come, some music!

Enter Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.

GUILDENSTERN:

Good my lord, vouchsafe me a word with you.(285)

GUILDENSTERN:

My good my lord, may I a word with you.

HAMLET:

Sir, a whole history.

HAMLET:

Sir, I’ll give you a whole history.

GUILDENSTERN:

The King, sir—

GUILDENSTERN:

The king, sir

HAMLET:

Ay, sir, what of him?

HAMLET:

Yes, sir, what about him?

GUILDENSTERN:

Is in his retirement, marvellous distempered.

GUILDENSTERN:

He’s, in his retirement to bed, exceedingly upset.

HAMLET:

With drink, sir?(290)

HAMLET:

With drink, sir?

GUILDENSTERN:

No, my lord; rather with choler.

GUILDENSTERN:

No, my lord, rather with anger.

HAMLET:

Your wisdom should show itself more richer to signify
this to the doctor; for, me to put him to his purgation
would perhaps plunge him into far more choler.

HAMLET:

You’d be wiser and look better if you told all this to the
doctor, because for me to try to purge him of anger would
probably make him more angry.

GUILDENSTERN:

Good my lord, put your discourse into some(295)
frame, and start not so wildly from my affair.

GUILDENSTERN:

My good lord, please re-phrase what you’re saying, and
don’t give me answers so far away from my question.

HAMLET:

I am tame, sir. Pronounce.

HAMLET:

I am calm, sir. Ask away.

GUILDENSTERN:

The Queen, your mother, in most great affliction
of spirit hath sent me to you.

GUILDENSTERN:

The queen, your mother, in most great affliction of spirit,
has sent me to you.

HAMLET:

You are welcome.(300)

HAMLET:

You are welcome.

GUILDENSTERN:

Nay, good my lord, this courtesy is not of the
right breed. If it shall please you to make me a wholesome
answer, I will do your mother's commandment; if not, your
pardon and my return shall be the end of my business.

GUILDENSTERN:

No, good my lord, this courtesy is not the right answer.
If it pleases you to make me a sensible answer, I will
fulfill your mother's order. If not, your pardon and my
return home shall be the end of what I was asked to do.

HAMLET:

Sir, I cannot.(305)

HAMLET:

Sir, I cannot.

GUILDENSTERN:

What, my lord?

GUILDENSTERN:

What, my lord?

HAMLET:

Make you a wholesome answer. My wit's diseased. But,
sir, such answer as I can make, you shall command; or rather,
as you say, my mother. Therefore no more, but to the matter!
My mother, you say—(310)

HAMLET:

Make you a wholesome answer, my mind’s diseased.
but, sir, such answer as I can make, you shall command,
or rather, as you say, my mother shall command. OK, I’ll
say no more but to the problem. My mother, you say.

ROSENCRANTZ:

Then thus she says: your behaviour hath struck
her into amazement and admiration.

ROSENCRANTZ:

Then this is what she says. Your behavior has pushed
her into amazement and surprise.

HAMLET:

O wonderful son, that can so astonish a mother! But is
there no sequel at the heels of this mother's admiration?
Impart.(315)

HAMLET:

O wonderful son, that can so astonish a mother! But isn’t
there a sequel that follows this mother's surprise?

ROSENCRANTZ:

She desires to speak with you in her closet, ere
you go to bed.

ROSENCRANTZ:

She wants to speak with you in her bedroom before you
go to bed.

HAMLET:

We shall obey, were she ten times our mother. Have
you any further trade with us?

HAMLET:

We shall obey, if she were ten times our mother. Have
you any else to tell me?

ROSENCRANTZ:

My lord, you once did love me.(320)

ROSENCRANTZ:

My lord, you loved me once.

HAMLET:

So I do still, by these pickers and stealers!

HAMLET:

And I still do, by these thieves and robbers.

ROSENCRANTZ:

Good my lord, what is your cause of distemper?
You do surely bar the door upon your own liberty, if you deny
your griefs to your friend.

ROSENCRANTZ:

My good lord, what is your cause of your problem? You
certainly bar the door to your own freedom if you don’t tell
your problems to your friend.

HAMLET:

Sir, I lack advancement.(325)

HAMLET:

Sir, I don’t have a promotion.

ROSENCRANTZ:

How can that be, when you have the voice of the
King himself for your succession in Denmark?

ROSENCRANTZ:

How can that be, when the king himself says you will
succeed him to the throne in Denmark?

Enter the Players with recorders.

HAMLET:

Ay, sir, but 'while the grass grows'—the proverb is
something musty.
O, the recorders! Let me see one. To withdraw with you—(330)
why do you go about to recover the wind of me, as if you
would drive me into a toil?

HAMLET:

Yes, sir, but “While the grass grows”— the proverb is a
bit old-fashioned.
O, the pipes. Let me see one. To divert your attention,
why do you go about trying to figure me out, as if you’re
to pick a fight?

GUILDENSTERN:

O, my lord, if my duty be too bold, my love is
too unmannerly.

GUILDENSTERN:

O my lord, if my duty is too bold, it’s because my love has
no manners.

HAMLET:

I do not well understand that. Will you play upon(335)
this pipe?

HAMLET:

I don’t understand that at all. Will you play on this pipe?

GUILDENSTERN:

My lord, I cannot.

GUILDENSTERN:

My lord, I can’t.

HAMLET:

I pray you.

HAMLET:

I beg you.

GUILDENSTERN:

Believe me, I cannot.

GUILDENSTERN:

Believe me, I can’t.

HAMLET:

I do beseech you.(340)

HAMLET:

I’m begging you.

GUILDENSTERN:

I know no touch of it, my lord.

GUILDENSTERN:

I don’t know how to play it, my lord.

HAMLET:

It is as easy as lying. Govern these ventages with
your fingers and thumbs, give it breath with your mouth,
and it will discourse most eloquent music. Look you, these
are the stops.(345)

HAMLET:

It’s as easy as lying. Just close up these holes with your
finger and thumb, put it in your mouth and blow, and it will
yield the most eloquent music. Look you, these are
the holes to cover.

GUILDENSTERN:

But these cannot I command to any utterance
of harmony. I have not the skill.

GUILDENSTERN:

But I cannot make music that has any sound of harmony,
I don’t have the skill.

HAMLET:

Why, look you now, how unworthy a thing you make
of me! You would play upon me; you would seem to know
my stops; you would pluck out the heart of my mystery;(350)
you would sound me from my lowest note to the top of my
compass; and there is much music, excellent voice, in
this little organ, yet cannot you make it speak. 'Sblood,
do you think I am easier to be played on than a pipe? Call
me what instrument you will, though you can fret me, you(355)
cannot play upon me.
God bless you, sir!

HAMLET:

Why, look here, at what an unworthy a thing you make of
me! You would play me, you would seem to know
my holes to cover, you want to pick out the heart of my
mystery, you would sound me from my lowest note to the
my highest note, and there is much music,
excellent voice, in this little pipe, yet you can’t play it.
God’s blood! Do you think it is easier to play me than a
pipe? Call me whatever instrument you want to, although
you can try to cover my holes me, you can’t play me.
God bless you, sir!

Enter Polonius.