Scene II

[Elsinore. A hall in the Castle.]

Enter Hamlet, and three of the Players.

HAMLET:

Speak the speech, I pray you, as I pronounced it to
you, trippingly on the tongue. But if you mouth it, as many
of our players do, I had as lief the town-crier spoke my
lines. Nor do not saw the air too much with your hand,
thus, but use all gently; for in the very torrent, tempest,(5)
and, as I may say, whirlwind of your passion, you must
acquire and beget a temperance that may give it smoothness.
O, it offends me to the soul to hear a robustious
periwig-pated fellow tear a passion to tatters, to very rags,
to split the ears of the groundlings, who, for the most part,(10)
are capable of nothing but inexplicable dumb-shows and
noise. I would have such a fellow whipped for o'erdoing
Termagant. It out-Herods Herod. Pray you avoid it.

HAMLET:

Speak the part, I beg you, as I read it to you,
lightly on your tongue. But if you just repeat it, as many
actors do, I would prefer the town crier spoke my lines.
And don’t saw the air too much with your hands, like this,
but use your gestures gently. Because, in the very strong
storm, and, as I may say, whirlwind of passion, you must
acquire and make an easy style that may give it
smoothness. O, it offends me to the soul to hear a hefty
fellow with a wig tear an emotion to tatters, to very rags,
to split the ears of the cheap seats, who, for the most
part, are capable of nothing but confusing pantomime
and noise. I would have such a fellow whipped for
overdoing a Moslem god, it out-herods Herod. Please
avoid it.

FIRST PLAYER:

I warrant your honour.

FIRST PLAYER:

I assure you.

HAMLET:

Be not too tame neither; but let your own discretion be(15)
your tutor. Suit the action to the word, the word to the
action; with this special observance, that you o'erstep not the
modesty of nature: for anything so overdone is from the
purpose of playing, whose end, both at the first and now, was
and is, to hold, as 'twere, the mirror up to nature; to show(20)
virtue her own feature, scorn her own image, and the very
age and body of the time his form and pressure. Now this
overdone, or come tardy off, though it make the unskilful
laugh, cannot but make the judicious grieve; the censure of
the which one must in your allowance o'erweigh a whole(25)
theatre of others. O, there be players that I have seen play,
and heard others praise, and that highly, not to speak it
profanely, that, neither having the accent of Christians, nor the
gait of Christian, pagan, nor man, have so strutted and bellowed
that I have thought some of Nature's journeymen(30)
had made men, and not made them well, they imitated
humanity so abominably.

HAMLET:

But don’t be too tame either, but let your own discretion
be your teacher. Fit the action to the word, the word to the
action, with this special rule, that you don’t overstep the
simplicity of being natural, for anything so overdone is not
the purpose of playing, whose end, both at the first and
now, was and is, to hold, as it were, the mirror up to
nature, to show truth in reality, scorn her falseness, and
his form and force to the very age and body of the time.
Now, this overacting, or lateness, though it make the
ignorant laugh, can only make the experienced grieve, in
whose opinion, you must outdo a whole theatre of other
audiences in your performance. O, there are actors that I
have seen perform and heard others praise, and highly
too, not to speak too harshly, that, having neither the
accent of Christians, nor the walk of a Christian, a pagan,
or a man, have so strutted and yelled that I have thought
some of nature's hired help had made them and not
made them well, they imitated mankind so dreadfully.

FIRST PLAYER:

I hope we have reformed that indifferently with
us, sir.

FIRST PLAYER:

I hope we have calmly overcome those problems, sir.

HAMLET:

O, reform it altogether! And let those that play your(35)
clowns speak no more than is set down for them. For there
be of them that will themselves laugh, to set on some quantity
of barren spectators to laugh too, though in the meantime
some necessary question of the play be then to be
considered. That's villainous and shows a most pitiful ambition(40)
in the fool that uses it. Go make you ready.

[Exit Players.]

Enter Polonius, Guildenstern, and Rosencrantz.

How now, my lord? Will the King hear this piece of work?

HAMLET:

O, overcome them with zeal. And let those that play your
clowns speak no more than is written for them, because
there are clowns who will laugh themselves, to make a
number of stupid spectators to laugh too, although in the
meantime some serious issue of the play needs
to be considered then. That's horrible and shows very
bad manners in the fool that uses it. Go get ready.

How are you, my lord! Will the king hear this piece of work?

POLONIUS:

And the Queen too, and that presently.

POLONIUS:

And the queen too, and they should be here presently.

HAMLET:

Bid the players make haste,

[Exit Polonius.]

Will you two help to hasten them?(45)

HAMLET:

Tell the players to hurry up.

Will you two help to hurry them up?

ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN:

We will, my lord.

ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN:

We will, my lord.

Exeunt they two.

HAMLET:

What, ho, Horatio!

HAMLET:

What, here, Horatio!

Enter Horatio.

HORATIO:

Here, sweet lord, at your service.

HORATIO:

Here, sweet lord, at your service.

HAMLET:

Horatio, thou art e'en as just a man
As e'er my conversation cop'd withal.(50)

HAMLET:

Horatio, you are just like the man
That my conversation just now praised.

HORATIO:

O, my dear lord!

HORATIO:

O, my dear lord,

HAMLET:

Nay, do not think I flatter;
For what advancement may I hope from thee,
That no revenue hast but thy good spirits
To feed and clothe thee? Why should the poor be flatter'd?(55)
No, let the candied tongue lick absurd pomp,
And crook the pregnant hinges of the knee
Where thrift may follow fawning. Dost thou hear?
Since my dear soul was mistress of her choice,
And could of men distinguish her election,(60)
Sh'hath seal'd thee for herself. For thou hast been
As one, in suff'ring all, that suffers nothing;
A man that Fortune's buffets and rewards
Hast ta'en with equal thanks; and blest are those
Whose blood and judgment are so well commeddled(65)
That they are not a pipe for Fortune's finger
To sound what stop she please. Give me that man
That is not passion's slave, and I will wear him
In my heart's core, ay, in my heart of heart,
As I do thee. Something too much of this.(70)
There is a play tonight before the King.
One scene of it comes near the circumstance,
Which I have told thee, of my father's death.
I prithee, when thou seest that act afoot,
Even with the very comment of thy soul(75)
Observe my uncle. If his occulted guilt
Do not itself unkennel in one speech,
It is a damned ghost that we have seen,
And my imaginations are as foul
As Vulcan's stithy. Give him heedful note;(80)
For I mine eyes will rivet to his face,
And after we will both our judgments join
In censure of his seeming.

HAMLET:

No, don’t think I flatter you,
Because what promotion may I hope to get from you,
Who has no money, except your good spirits
That feed and clothe you? Why should the poor be flattered?
No, let the sweet tongue lick ridiculous vain glory,
And bend the obvious hinges of the knee
Where poverty may follow flattery. Do you hear me?
Since my dear soul controlled her choice,
And could recognize men of truth, her choice
Has taken you for herself. Because you have been
As one, that in suffering all, that suffers nothing,
A man that Fortune's feasts and rewards
Have taken with equal thanks, and blessed are those
Whose blood and judgment are so well blended
That they are not an instrument for Fortune's finger
To play whatever song she pleases. Give me that man
That is not passion's slave, and I will wear him
In my heart's core, yes, in my heart of heart,
As I do you. OK, enough of that.
There is a play tonight before the king.
One scene of it comes near the circumstances,
Which I have told you, of my father's death.
I beg you, when you see that act begin,
Even with the very criticism of your soul
Watch my uncle. If his hidden guilt
Don’t show itself in that one speech,
It is a false ghost that we have seen,
And my imaginations are as unstable
As god of fire’s anvil. Watch him carefully,
Because I will have my eyes riveted on his face,
And, after the play, we will combine our observations
In condemning of his actions.

HORATIO:

Well, my lord.
If he steal aught the whilst this play is playing,(85)
And 'scape detecting, I will pay the theft.

HORATIO:

Well, my lord.
If he steals anything the while this play is going on,
And he escapes detection, I will pay for the theft.

[Sound a flourish.]

HAMLET:

They are coming to the play. I must be idle.
Get you a place.

HAMLET:

They are coming to the play. I must be idle.
Go get yourself a seat.

[Danish march. Enter Trumpets and Kettle Drums. Enter King, Queen, Polonius, Ophelia, Rosencrantz, Guildenstern, and other Lords attendant, with the Guard carrying torches.]

KING:

How fares our cousin Hamlet?

KING:

How’s our cousin Hamlet?

HAMLET:

Excellent, i' faith; of the chameleon's dish. I eat(90)
the air, promise-cramm'd. You cannot feed capons so.

HAMLET:

Excellent, really, of the chameleon's dish. I eat the air,
crammed with promises. You can’t eat capons that way.

KING:

I have nothing with this answer, Hamlet. These words are
not mine.

KING:

I don’t understand this answer, Hamlet, these words are
not meant for me.

HAMLET:

No, nor mine now. My lord, you play'd once i' th'
university, you say?(95)

HAMLET:

No, for me now. My lord, you acted once when you were
in the university, you say?

POLONIUS:

That did I, my lord, and was accounted a good actor.

POLONIUS:

That did I, my lord, and I was accounted a good actor.

HAMLET:

What did you enact?

HAMLET:

What did you enact?

POLONIUS:

I did enact Julius Caesar; I was killed i' the Capitol;
Brutus killed me.

POLONIUS:

I did enact Julius Caesar, I was killed in the Capitol,
Brutus killed me.

HAMLET:

It was a brute part of him to kill so capital a calf there.(100)
Be the players ready.

HAMLET:

It was a brute part of him to kill so capital a stupid fellow
there. Are the players ready?

ROSENCRANTZ:

Ay, my lord. They stay upon your patience.

ROSENCRANTZ:

Yes, my lord, they’re waiting for you.

QUEEN:

Come hither, my dear Hamlet, sit by me.

QUEEN:

Come hear, my dear Hamlet, sit by me.

HAMLET:

No, good mother. Here's metal more attractive.

HAMLET:

No, good mother, here's a more attractive place.

POLONIUS:

O, ho! do you mark that?(105)

POLONIUS:

O, ho! Do you see that?

HAMLET:

Lady, shall I lie in your lap?

HAMLET:

Lady, shall I lie in your lap?

OPHELIA:

No, my lord.

OPHELIA:

No, my lord.

HAMLET:

I mean, my head upon your lap?

HAMLET:

I mean, lay my head on your lap?

OPHELIA:

Ay, my lord.

OPHELIA:

Yes, my lord.

HAMLET:

Do you think I meant country matters?(110)

HAMLET:

Do you think I meant sexual matters?

OPHELIA:

I think nothing, my lord.

OPHELIA:

I think nothing, my lord.

HAMLET:

That's a fair thought to lie between maids' legs.

HAMLET:

That's a fair thought to lie between maids' legs.

OPHELIA:

What is, my lord?

OPHELIA:

What is, my lord?

HAMLET:

Nothing.

HAMLET:

Nothing.

OPHELIA:

You are merry, my lord.(115)

OPHELIA:

You are merry, my lord.

HAMLET:

Who, I?

HAMLET:

Who, me?

OPHELIA:

Ay, my lord.

OPHELIA:

Yes, my lord.

HAMLET:

O God, your only jig-maker! What should a man
do but be merry? For, look you, how cheerfully my mother
looks, and my father died within's two hours.(120)

HAMLET:

O, your only dancer! What should a man do but be
merry? Because look how cheerfully my mother looks,
and my father died within these two hours.

OPHELIA:

Nay 'tis twice two months, my lord.

OPHELIA:

No, it is four months, my lord.

HAMLET:

So long? Nay then, let the devil wear black, for I'll
have a suit of sables. O heavens! die two months ago, and
not forgotten yet? Then there's hope a great man's memory
may outlive his life half a year. But, by'r lady, he must build(125)
churches then; or else shall he suffer not thinking on, with
the hobby-horse, whose epitaph is, 'For, O, for O, the
hobby-horse is forgot!'

HAMLET:

So long? No then, let the devil wear black, for I’ll have a
suit of black fur. O heavens! Died two months ago and
not forgotten yet? Then there's hope that a great man's
memory may outlive his life at least six months, but, by
our Lady, then he must build churches or else he won’t
be remembered with the prostitute, whose epitaph is
“For, O, for, O, the prostitute is forgotten!”

[Hautboys play. The dumb-show enters. Enter a King and a Queen very lovingly; the Queen embracing him and he her. She kneels, and makes show of protestation unto him. He takes her up, and declines his head upon her neck. He lays him down upon a bank of flowers. She, seeing him asleep, leaves him. Anon comes in a fellow, takes off his crown, kisses it, pours poison in the King's ears, and leaves him. The Queen returns, finds the King dead, and makes passionate action. The Poisoner with some three or four Mutes, comes in again, seeming to lament with her. The dead body is carried away. The Poisoner woos the Queen with gifts; she seems loath and unwilling a while, but in the end accepts his love. Exeunt.]

OPHELIA:

What means this, my lord?

OPHELIA:

What does this mean, my lord?

HAMLET:

Marry, this is miching mallecho; it means mischief.(130)

HAMLET:

By Mary, this is miching mallecho, it means mischief.

OPHELIA:

Belike this show imports the argument of the play.

OPHELIA:

It’s as if this show describes the argument of the play.

Enter Prologue.

HAMLET:

We shall know by this fellow. The players cannot
keep counsel; they'll tell all.

HAMLET:

We shall know by this fellow. The players cannot keep a
secret, they'll tell all.

OPHELIA:

Will he tell us what this show meant?

OPHELIA:

Will he tell us what this show meant?

HAMLET:

Ay, or any show that you'll show him. Be not you(135)
ashamed to show, he'll not shame to tell you what it means.

HAMLET:

Yes, or any show that you'll show him. If you are not
ashamed to show, he won’t be ashamed to tell you what
it means.

OPHELIA:

You are naught, you are naught! I'll mark the play.

OPHELIA:

Keep quiet, keep quiet. I’ll watch the play.

PROLOGUE:

For us, and for our tragedy,
Here stooping to your clemency,
We beg your hearing patiently.(140)

PROLOGUE:

For us and for our tragedy,
Here stooping to your clemency,
We beg you listen patiently.

HAMLET:

Is this a prologue, or the posy of a ring?

HAMLET:

Is this a prologue or a ring of flowers?

OPHELIA:

'tis brief, my lord.

OPHELIA:

It is short, my lord.

HAMLET:

As woman's love.

HAMLET:

As woman's love.

Enter [two Players as] King and Queen

P. KING:

Full thirty times hath Phoebus' cart gone round
Neptune's salt wash and Tellus' orbed ground,(145)
And thirty dozen moons with borrowed sheen
About the world have times twelve thirties been,
Since love our hearts, and Hymen did our hands,
Unite commutual in most sacred bands.

P. KING:

The Sun-god’s cart has gone around the earth thirty
Times. The Ocean-god’s salt wash and the Earth-god’s
ground, and three hundred sixty moons, with borrowed
light, has been around the world have twelve times thirty,
Since love, our hearts, and the Marriage-god united our
hands, mutually in the holy bands of matrimony.

P. QUEEN:

So many journeys may the sun and moon(150)
Make us again count o'er ere love be done!
But woe is me! you are so sick of late,
So far from cheer and from your former state.
That I distrust you. Yet, though I distrust,
Discomfort you, my lord, it nothing must;(155)
For women's fear and love hold quantity,
In neither aught, or in extremity.
Now, what my love is, proof hath made you know;
And as my love is sized, my fear is so.
Where love is great, the littlest doubts are fear;(160)
Where little fears grow great, great love grows there.

P. QUEEN:

So many journeys may the sun and moon
Make us count again before love is finished!
But, woe is me, you are so sick of late,
So far from cheer and from your former state.
That I don’t trust you. Yet, though I distrust,
Don’t worry, my lord, it is nothing.
For women's fear and love hold everything,
In having nothing, or having it all.
Now, you know how I love you has been proven to you,
And as my love is cannot be measured, so is my fear.
Where love is great, the littlest doubts are very fearful,
Where little fears grow great, great love also grows there.

P. KING:

Faith, I must leave thee, love, and shortly too;
My operant powers their functions leave to do.
And thou shalt live in this fair world behind,
Honour'd, belov'd, and haply one as kind(165)
For husband shalt thou—

P. KING:

I believe I must leave you, love, and soon too,
The powers that work in my body are shutting down,
And you shall live in this fair world after me,
Honored, beloved, and maybe you shall have
A new man to be your husband.

P. QUEEN:

O, confound the rest!
Such love must needs be treason in my breast.
In second husband let me be accurst!
None wed the second but who killed the first.(170)

P. QUEEN:

O, confound the rest!
Such love must be treason in my breast.
Let me be cursed if I marry again!
No one marries the second without killing the first love.

HAMLET:

That's wormwood!

HAMLET:

Bitter to the soul, bitter to the soul!

P. QUEEN:

The instances that second marriage move
Are base respects of thrift, but none of love.
A second time I kill my husband dead
When second husband kisses me in bed.(175)

P. QUEEN:

The reasons for a second marriage
Are low respects of saving money, but not for love.
I kill my husband dead a second time
When second husband kisses me in bed.

P. KING:

I do believe you think what now you speak;
But what we do determine oft we break.
Purpose is but the slave to memory,
Of violent birth, but poor validity;
Which now, like fruit unripe, sticks on the tree,(180)
But fall unshaken when they mellow be.
Most necessary 'tis that we forget
To pay ourselves what to ourselves is debt.
What to ourselves in passion we propose,
The passion ending, doth the purpose lose.(185)
The violence of either grief or joy
Their own enactures with themselves destroy.
Where joy most revels, grief doth most lament;
Grief joys, joy grieves, on slender accident.
This world is not for aye, nor 'tis not strange(190)
That even our loves should with our fortunes change;
For 'tis a question left us yet to prove,
Whether love lead fortune, or else fortune love.
The great man down, you mark his favorite flies,
The poor advanced makes friends of enemies;(195)
And hitherto doth love on fortune tend,
For who not needs shall never lack a friend,
And who in want a hollow friend doth try,
Directly seasons him his enemy.
But, orderly to end where I begun,(200)
Our wills and fates do so contrary run
That our devices still are overthrown;
Our thoughts are ours, their ends none of our own.
So think thou wilt no second husband wed;
But die thy thoughts when thy first lord is dead.(205)

P. KING:

I believe you believe what you say now,
But what we determine to, often we don’t.
Promises are only good when you remember them,
Born of violence but poor truth,
Which now, like unripe fruit, stays on the tree,
But fall without shaking them off when they are ripe.
It is very necessary that we forget
To pay ourselves what we owe to ourselves.
What we promise ourselves in a fit of passion,
When the passion ends, so does the promise.
The violence of either grief or joy
Destroys their own keeping of them with themselves.
Where joy celebrates, grief mourns greatly,
Grief joys, joy griefs, on a very slender event.
This world doesn’t say yes, and it’s not strange at all
That even our loves should change with our fortunes,
Because it’s a question we have to prove,
When love leads fortune, or if fortune leads love.
The great man dead, you see all his favorite little things,
The poor promoted to a higher place makes friends of
Enemies, and here love waits on fortune.
Because those with money shall never be without a
Friend, and those in poverty try a hollow friend,
Immediately makes him his enemy.
But, to go back to where I started,
Our wills and fates run in so much in different directions,
That our plans are still turned upside down,
Our thoughts are ours, but their results aren’t ours.
So you think you won’t marry again,
But you’ll change your mind when your first lord is dead.

P. QUEEN:

Nor earth to me give food, nor heaven light,
Sport and repose lock from me day and night,
To desperation turn my trust and hope,
An anchor's cheer in prison be my scope,
Each opposite, that blanks the face of joy,(210)
Meet what I would have well, and it destroy,
Both here and hence pursue me lasting strife,
If, once a widow, ever I be wife!

P. QUEEN:

Earth won’t me give food, or heaven light!
I will avoid leisure and rest day and night!
My trust and hope will turn to desperation!
An anchor's cheer in prison will be my aim!
Every opposite feeling that makes the face of joy blink,
Connect with what I would do well, and destroy it!
Both here and hereafter unending pain follow me,
If, once I am a widow, I ever become a wife!

HAMLET:

If she should break it now!

HAMLET:

If she should break the moment now!

P. KING:

'tis deeply sworn. Sweet, leave me here awhile.(215)
My spirits grow dull, and fain I would beguile
The tedious day with sleep.

P. KING:

It is a very deep oath. Sweetheart, leave me here a while,
My spirits grow tired, and I would gladly pass
The long, boring day with some sleep.

Sleeps.

P. QUEEN:

Sleep rock thy brain,
And never come mischance between us twain!

P. QUEEN:

Sleep rock your brain,
And may misfortune never mischance between us two!

Exeunt.

HAMLET:

Madam, how like you this play?(220)

HAMLET:

Madam, how like you this play?

QUEEN:

The lady doth protest too much, methinks.

QUEEN:

The lady protests too much, I think.

HAMLET:

O, but she'll keep her word.

HAMLET:

O, but she'll keep her word.

KING:

Have you heard the argument? Is there no offence in't?

KING:

Have you heard the story? It’s not offensive, is it?

HAMLET:

No, no! They do but jest, poison in jest; no offence i'
the world.(225)

HAMLET:

No, no! They only pretend, pretend to poison, no offense
in the world.

KING:

What do you call the play?

KING:

What’s the name of the play?

HAMLET:

The Mousetrap. Marry, how? Tropically. This play is
the image of a murder done in Vienna. Gonzago is the Duke's
name; his wife, Baptista. You shall see anon. 'tis a knavish
piece of work; but what o' that? Your Majesty, and we that(230)
have free souls, it touches us not. Let the galled jade
winch; our withers are unwrung.
This is one Lucianus, nephew to the King.

HAMLET:

The Mousetrap. By Mary, how? A metaphor. This play is
the image of a murder done in Vienna. Gonzago is the
duke's name, his wife, Baptista— you shall see her soon,
it is a bold piece of work. but what o' that? — your
majesty, and we that have free souls can’t be touched by
it. Let the bitter hussy kick, our saddles don’t pinch.
This is one Lucianus, nephew to the King.

Enter Lucianus.

OPHELIA:

You are as good as a chorus, my lord.

OPHELIA:

You are a good chorus, my lord.

HAMLET:

I could interpret between you and your love, if I could(235)
see the puppets dallying.

HAMLET:

I could translate between you and your love, if I could see
the toys flirting.

OPHELIA:

You are keen, my lord, you are keen.

OPHELIA:

You are forward, my lord, you are forward.

HAMLET:

It would cost you a groaning to take off my edge.

HAMLET:

It would cost you a night in bed to take the edge off me.

OPHELIA:

Still better, and worse.

OPHELIA:

Even better, and worse.

HAMLET:

So you must take your husbands. Begin, murderer.(240)
Pox, leave thy damnable faces, and begin! Come, the croaking
raven doth bellow for revenge.

HAMLET:

And that’s how you must take your husbands. Begin,
murderer, argh! Enough with the bad faces, and begin.
Come on. “The croaking raven bellows for revenge.”

LUCIANUS:

Thoughts black, hands apt, drugs fit, and time
agreeing;
Confederate season, else no creature seeing;(245)
Thou mixture rank, of midnight weeds collected,
With Hecate's ban thrice blasted, thrice infected,
Thy natural magic and dire property
On wholesome life usurp immediately.

LUCIANUS:

Black thoughts, hands ready, proper drugs, and the time
is right, everything OK, no other creatures around,
You mixture rotten, collected from midnight weeds,
With witch’s curse said three times, three times cursed,
Your natural magic and evil deed
Will attack wholesome life immediately.

[Pours the poison in his ears.]

HAMLET:

He poisons him i' the garden for his estate. His name's(250)
Gonzago. The story is extant, and written in very choice
Italian. You shall see anon how the murderer gets the love of
Gonzago's wife.

HAMLET:

He poisons him in the garden for his estate. His name's
Gonzago. The story is current, and written in very choice
Italian, you shall eventually see how the murderer gets
the love of Gonzago's wife.

OPHELIA:

The King rises.

OPHELIA:

The King rises.

HAMLET:

What, frighted with false fire?(255)

HAMLET:

What, frightened by false fire!

QUEEN:

How fares my lord?

QUEEN:

How are you, my lord?

POLONIUS:

Give o'er the play.

POLONIUS:

Stop the play.

KING:

Give me some light. Away!

KING:

Give me some light. Let’s go!

ALL:

Lights, lights, lights!

ALL:

Lights, lights, lights!

Exeunt all but Hamlet and Horatio.

HAMLET:

Why, let the strucken deer go weep,(260)
The hart ungalled play;
For some must watch, while some must sleep:
Thus runs the world away.
Would not this, sir, and a forest of feathers—if the rest of
my fortunes turn Turk with me—with two Provincial(265)
roses on my razed shoes, get me a fellowship in a
cry of players, sir?

HAMLET:

Why, let the stricken deer go weep,
The uninjured stag play,
For some must watch, while some must sleep.
So runs the world away.

Wouldn’t this do it, sir, together with a forest of feathers if
the rest of my fortunes turn against with me, with two
Provincial roses on my shoes I took off, to get me a
fellowship for writing with a pack of players, sir?

HORATIO:

Half a share.

HORATIO:

Half a share.

HAMLET:

A whole one, I!
For thou dost know, O Damon dear,(270)
This realm dismantled was
Of Jove himself; and now reigns here
A very, very—pajock.

HAMLET:

I think a whole one.

For you know, O dear Spice,
This kingdom was taken apart
By Jove himself, and a peacock now rules here,
A very, very peacock.

HORATIO:

You might have rhymed.

HORATIO:

You might have rhymed those lines.

HAMLET:

O good Horatio, I'll take the ghost's word for a(275)
thousand pound!
Didst perceive?

HAMLET:

O good Horatio, I’ll take the ghost's word for as real as a
thousand dollars! Did you see?

HORATIO:

Very well, my lord.

HORATIO:

Very well, my lord.

HAMLET:

Upon the talk of the poisoning?

HAMLET:

When the talk was about the poisoning?

HORATIO:

I did very well note him.(280)

HORATIO:

I watched him very well.

HAMLET:

Ah, ha! Come, some music! Come, the recorders!
For if the King like not the comedy,
Why then, belike, he likes it not, perdy.
Come, some music!

HAMLET:

Ah, ha! Come, some music! Come, the pipes!

For if the king didn’t like the comedy,
Why then, he won’t like music either, indeed.

Come, some music!

Enter Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.

GUILDENSTERN:

Good my lord, vouchsafe me a word with you.(285)

GUILDENSTERN:

My good my lord, may I a word with you.

HAMLET:

Sir, a whole history.

HAMLET:

Sir, I’ll give you a whole history.

GUILDENSTERN:

The King, sir—

GUILDENSTERN:

The king, sir

HAMLET:

Ay, sir, what of him?

HAMLET:

Yes, sir, what about him?

GUILDENSTERN:

Is in his retirement, marvellous distempered.

GUILDENSTERN:

He’s, in his retirement to bed, exceedingly upset.

HAMLET:

With drink, sir?(290)

HAMLET:

With drink, sir?

GUILDENSTERN:

No, my lord; rather with choler.

GUILDENSTERN:

No, my lord, rather with anger.

HAMLET:

Your wisdom should show itself more richer to signify
this to the doctor; for, me to put him to his purgation
would perhaps plunge him into far more choler.

HAMLET:

You’d be wiser and look better if you told all this to the
doctor, because for me to try to purge him of anger would
probably make him more angry.

GUILDENSTERN:

Good my lord, put your discourse into some(295)
frame, and start not so wildly from my affair.

GUILDENSTERN:

My good lord, please re-phrase what you’re saying, and
don’t give me answers so far away from my question.

HAMLET:

I am tame, sir. Pronounce.

HAMLET:

I am calm, sir. Ask away.

GUILDENSTERN:

The Queen, your mother, in most great affliction
of spirit hath sent me to you.

GUILDENSTERN:

The queen, your mother, in most great affliction of spirit,
has sent me to you.

HAMLET:

You are welcome.(300)

HAMLET:

You are welcome.

GUILDENSTERN:

Nay, good my lord, this courtesy is not of the
right breed. If it shall please you to make me a wholesome
answer, I will do your mother's commandment; if not, your
pardon and my return shall be the end of my business.

GUILDENSTERN:

No, good my lord, this courtesy is not the right answer.
If it pleases you to make me a sensible answer, I will
fulfill your mother's order. If not, your pardon and my
return home shall be the end of what I was asked to do.

HAMLET:

Sir, I cannot.(305)

HAMLET:

Sir, I cannot.

GUILDENSTERN:

What, my lord?

GUILDENSTERN:

What, my lord?

HAMLET:

Make you a wholesome answer. My wit's diseased. But,
sir, such answer as I can make, you shall command; or rather,
as you say, my mother. Therefore no more, but to the matter!
My mother, you say—(310)

HAMLET:

Make you a wholesome answer, my mind’s diseased.
but, sir, such answer as I can make, you shall command,
or rather, as you say, my mother shall command. OK, I’ll
say no more but to the problem. My mother, you say.

ROSENCRANTZ:

Then thus she says: your behaviour hath struck
her into amazement and admiration.

ROSENCRANTZ:

Then this is what she says. Your behavior has pushed
her into amazement and surprise.

HAMLET:

O wonderful son, that can so astonish a mother! But is
there no sequel at the heels of this mother's admiration?
Impart.(315)

HAMLET:

O wonderful son, that can so astonish a mother! But isn’t
there a sequel that follows this mother's surprise?

ROSENCRANTZ:

She desires to speak with you in her closet, ere
you go to bed.

ROSENCRANTZ:

She wants to speak with you in her bedroom before you
go to bed.

HAMLET:

We shall obey, were she ten times our mother. Have
you any further trade with us?

HAMLET:

We shall obey, if she were ten times our mother. Have
you any else to tell me?

ROSENCRANTZ:

My lord, you once did love me.(320)

ROSENCRANTZ:

My lord, you loved me once.

HAMLET:

So I do still, by these pickers and stealers!

HAMLET:

And I still do, by these thieves and robbers.

ROSENCRANTZ:

Good my lord, what is your cause of distemper?
You do surely bar the door upon your own liberty, if you deny
your griefs to your friend.

ROSENCRANTZ:

My good lord, what is your cause of your problem? You
certainly bar the door to your own freedom if you don’t tell
your problems to your friend.

HAMLET:

Sir, I lack advancement.(325)

HAMLET:

Sir, I don’t have a promotion.

ROSENCRANTZ:

How can that be, when you have the voice of the
King himself for your succession in Denmark?

ROSENCRANTZ:

How can that be, when the king himself says you will
succeed him to the throne in Denmark?

Enter the Players with recorders.

HAMLET:

Ay, sir, but 'while the grass grows'—the proverb is
something musty.
O, the recorders! Let me see one. To withdraw with you—(330)
why do you go about to recover the wind of me, as if you
would drive me into a toil?

HAMLET:

Yes, sir, but “While the grass grows”— the proverb is a
bit old-fashioned.
O, the pipes. Let me see one. To divert your attention,
why do you go about trying to figure me out, as if you’re
to pick a fight?

GUILDENSTERN:

O, my lord, if my duty be too bold, my love is
too unmannerly.

GUILDENSTERN:

O my lord, if my duty is too bold, it’s because my love has
no manners.

HAMLET:

I do not well understand that. Will you play upon(335)
this pipe?

HAMLET:

I don’t understand that at all. Will you play on this pipe?

GUILDENSTERN:

My lord, I cannot.

GUILDENSTERN:

My lord, I can’t.

HAMLET:

I pray you.

HAMLET:

I beg you.

GUILDENSTERN:

Believe me, I cannot.

GUILDENSTERN:

Believe me, I can’t.

HAMLET:

I do beseech you.(340)

HAMLET:

I’m begging you.

GUILDENSTERN:

I know no touch of it, my lord.

GUILDENSTERN:

I don’t know how to play it, my lord.

HAMLET:

It is as easy as lying. Govern these ventages with
your fingers and thumbs, give it breath with your mouth,
and it will discourse most eloquent music. Look you, these
are the stops.(345)

HAMLET:

It’s as easy as lying. Just close up these holes with your
finger and thumb, put it in your mouth and blow, and it will
yield the most eloquent music. Look you, these are
the holes to cover.

GUILDENSTERN:

But these cannot I command to any utterance
of harmony. I have not the skill.

GUILDENSTERN:

But I cannot make music that has any sound of harmony,
I don’t have the skill.

HAMLET:

Why, look you now, how unworthy a thing you make
of me! You would play upon me; you would seem to know
my stops; you would pluck out the heart of my mystery;(350)
you would sound me from my lowest note to the top of my
compass; and there is much music, excellent voice, in
this little organ, yet cannot you make it speak. 'Sblood,
do you think I am easier to be played on than a pipe? Call
me what instrument you will, though you can fret me, you(355)
cannot play upon me.
God bless you, sir!

HAMLET:

Why, look here, at what an unworthy a thing you make of
me! You would play me, you would seem to know
my holes to cover, you want to pick out the heart of my
mystery, you would sound me from my lowest note to the
my highest note, and there is much music,
excellent voice, in this little pipe, yet you can’t play it.
God’s blood! Do you think it is easier to play me than a
pipe? Call me whatever instrument you want to, although
you can try to cover my holes me, you can’t play me.
God bless you, sir!

Enter Polonius.

POLONIUS:

My lord, the Queen would speak with you, and
presently.

POLONIUS:

My lord, the queen wants to speak with you right now.

HAMLET:

Do you see yonder cloud that's almost in shape of a(360)
camel?

HAMLET:

Do you see that cloud over there that's almost in shape of
a camel?

POLONIUS:

By the mass, and 'tis like a camel, indeed.

POLONIUS:

By the mass, it is indeed like a camel.

HAMLET:

Methinks it is like a weasel.

HAMLET:

I think it is like a weasel.

POLONIUS:

It is backed like a weasel.

POLONIUS:

It is shaped like a weasel.

HAMLET:

Or like a whale.(365)

HAMLET:

Or like a whale.

POLONIUS:

Very like a whale.

POLONIUS:

Very like a whale.

HAMLET:

Then will I come to my mother by and by. They fool
me to the top of my bent.—I will come by and by.

HAMLET:

Then I will go to my mother by and by. They fool me to
the limits of my capacity. I will come by and by.

POLONIUS:

I will say so.

POLONIUS:

I will say so.

[Exit.]

HAMLET:

'By and by' is easily said. Leave me, friends.(370)

[Exeunt all but Hamlet.]

'tis now the very witching time of night,
When churchyards yawn, and hell itself breathes out
Contagion to this world. Now could I drink hot blood,
And do such bitter business as the day
Would quake to look on. Soft! now to my mother!(375)
O heart, lose not thy nature; let not ever
The soul of Nero enter this firm bosom.
Let me be cruel, not unnatural;
I will speak daggers to her, but use none.
My tongue and soul in this be hypocrites(380)
How in my words soever she be shent,
To give them seals never, my soul, consent!

HAMLET:

By-and-by is easily said.
Leave me, friends.

Now, it’s the very witching time of night,
When churchyards awake, and hell itself breathes out
Disease to this world. Now I could drink hot blood,
And do such wicked deed that the day
Would shake nervously to see. Listen! now to my mother.
O heart, don’t give up now, don’t ever let the soul of
Nero, the crazy emperor, enter this determined heart.
Let me be cruel, not unnatural,
I will speak like knives to her, but use none,
My tongue and soul shall be hypocrites in this talk,
How, whenever she is confused in my words,
To stop saying them, my soul, never agree!

Exit.