Cyrano de Bergerac | Act I, Scene IV - Page 2

A BORE:
[coming up to CYRANO] The great actor Montfleury! How could you? Shame on you! Don't you know he's protected by the Duke of Candal! Do you have a patron?
CYRANO:
No!
BORE:
No patron?
CYRANO:
None!
BORE:
What! No great lord to shield you with his name?
CYRANO:
[irritated] No, I've told you twice! Must I tell you again? I have no protector…[He puts his hand on his sword.] but I do have a protectress —right here!
BORE:
But now you must leave town, then.
CYRANO:
Well, that depends!
BORE:
The Duke has a long arm, you know!
CYRANO:
But not so long as mine, when it is lengthened out [He shows his sword.] …with this!
BORE:
But do you really dare…?
CYRANO:
Oh, I certainly do!
BORE:
But—
CYRANO:
Get out now! Go!
BORE:
But I—
CYRANO:
Go! Or tell me why you stare at my nose!
THE BORE:
[petrified] I—
CYRANO:
[walking straight up to him] Well, what's so strange about it?
BORE:
[drawing back] My lord, you're mistaken!
CYRANO:
Is it soft and dangling, like an elephant's trunk?
BORE:
[still drawing back] I never—
CYRANO:
Is it crooked, like an owl's beak?
BORE:
I—
CYRANO:
Do you see a wart upon the tip?
BORE:
No—
CYRANO:
Is there a fly upon it? What is there to stare at?
BORE:
Oh!
CYRANO:
What do you see?
BORE:
But I've been so careful not to look!
CYRANO:
Oh? Why is that?
BORE:
I was—
CYRANO:
Oh! It disgusts you!
BORE:
Sir!
CYRANO:
Are you sickened by its color?
BORE:
Please, Sir!
CYRANO:
Or it's shape?
BORE:
No, on the contrary!
CYRANO:
Why then that look of distaste? Do you think it's too large, perhaps?
BORE:
[stammering] No, it's small! Quite small! It's minute!
CYRANO:
Minute! How dare you accuse me of having a small nose!
BORE:
Heaven help me!
CYRANO:
My nose is enormous, you snub-nosed, meddling idiot! And let it be said that I am proud to possess such an appendage! ’Tis well known that a large nose indicates an affable soul, one kind and courteous, liberal and brave, just like myself! Such qualities you could never hope to have, you hateful wretch! For that dull face which my hand will soon slap is as empty…[He slaps him.]
BORE:
Ouch!
CYRANO:
…of pride, of glory, of feeling, of poetry and godlike spark—in fact, as empty as all that is embodied by my big nose, [He turns him by the shoulders.] as what my boot will soon meet! [He kicks him in the backside.]
BORE:
[running away] Help! Call the Guard!
CYRANO:
Here's a word of advice for any other fool who might find something amusing about the middle of my face. Let it be known that if the jester is a nobleman, he will not just taste my boot but will taste my steel instead!
DE GUICHE:
[who, with the MARQUISES, has come down from the stage] He's becoming a nuisance!
DE VALVERT:
[shrugging his shoulders] He's quite arrogant!
DE GUICHE:
Won't anyone silence him?
DE VALVERT:
I'll take the challenge. I'll treat him to one of my quips! See here! [With a conceited air, he goes up to CYRANO, who is watching him.] Sir, your nose is…hmm…it is…very big!
CYRANO:
[gravely] Very!
DE VALVERT:
[laughing] Ha!
CYRANO:
[calmly] Is that all?
DE VALVERT:
What do you mean?
CYRANO:
Ah no, young man! That was a trifle short! You might have said at least a hundred things by varying the tone. Shall I give you a few examples?
Aggressive:
“Sir, if I had such a nose, I'd amputate it!”
Friendly:
“It must annoy you when it dips into your drink. You really should have a specially shaped goblet, I think!”
Descriptive:
“’Tis a rock, a peak, a cape, a peninsula!”
Curious:
“What is the purpose of that large container? Do you keep your pens and ink in it?”
Gracious:
“Oh, how you must love the birds! I see you've made them a nice perch for their tiny feet!”
Hostile:
“When you enjoy your pipe and the smoke spouts from your nose, the neighbors must think the chimney's on fire!”
Considerate:
“When you stroll, keep your head bowed low, else head over heels you just might go!”
Tender:
“Oh, someone please get a small umbrella made, else in the sun its bright color might fade!”
Pedantic:
“Only such a beast as Aristophanes’ hippocampelephantocamelos could have possessed such a large lump of flesh and bone beneath its forehead!”
Flippant:
“What a fashionable hook to hang your hat on!”
Emphatic:
“No wind but the Arctic blast would be strong enough to give you a cold, oh majestic nose!”
Dramatic:
“When it bleeds, it's like the Red Sea!”
Admiring:
“Oh, what a perfect sign for a perfume shop!”
Lyrical:
“Is that a conch? And you, a Triton?”
Simple:
“Is that monument open for public viewing?”
Rustic:
“Is that thing a nose? No, it must be a dwarf pumpkin, or a prize watermelon!”
Military:
“Aim that cannon at the enemy and blast away!”
Practical:
“Put it in the lottery! I'm sure it would be the biggest prize!”
Or, in a parody of Pyramus, “Behold the nose that mars the beauty of its owner's face. How red with shame it is, the traitor!”
All of these things you might have said, if you were a man of wit and letters in the slightest. But, sadly, of wit you never had an atom, and of letters you have only three—and they spell Ass! And even if you were intelligent enough to think of witty remarks like the ones I just listed, you would not have been able to utter a single one of them. Because I allow such jokes only when spoken by myself, and never by any other man that breathes!
DE GUICHE:
[trying to draw away the dismayed DE VALVERT] Come away, Viscount!
DE VALVERT:
[choking with rage] Listen to this arrogant lout! A barbarian who wears no gloves …who comes out in public without any ribbons and lace!
  • an attachment (usually referring to a part of the body)
  • pleasant, friendly
  • excessively wordy in a pretentious way
  • Aristophanes was a Greek playwright during the fourth century BC who wrote comedies and satires. The hippocampelephantocamelos is an imaginary beast created by Aristophanes. It has the characteristics of a seahorse, an elephant, and a camel.
  • a type of large shell
  • In ancient Greek mythology, Triton was the messenger of the sea. He carried a conch shell, which he used as a trumpet. Cyrano is likening his own nose to Triton's enormous and loud conch shell.
  • In ancient Roman mythology, Pyramus, who was in love with Thisbe, committed suicide because he mistakenly thought that Thisbe had been killed. The reference is to a 17th century play by Théophile de Viau called Pyrame et Thisbé. The line that Cyrano parodies is the following: “Here is the dagger that basely sullied itself with its master's blood. It is red with shame, the traitor!”
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