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Scene IV

The same, with CYRANO, then BELLEROSE and JODELET.

MONTFLEURY:

[to the MARQUISES] Come to my help, my lords!

A MARQUIS:

[carelessly] Oh, go on, Montfleury, keep acting.

CYRANO:

If you do, I'll cuff your face, fat man!

MARQUIS:

That's enough!

CYRANO:

And you marquises! I advise all of you to hold your tongues, or else each one of you will get a taste of my cane!

ALL THE MARQUISES:

[rising] That's enough! Montfleury—

CYRANO:

If he doesn't get off the stage this minute, I'll cut off his ears and slit him up like a roasted pig!

A VOICE:

But—

CYRANO:

Out he goes!

ANOTHER VOICE:

Yet—

CYRANO:

Is he not gone yet? [He makes the gesture of turning up his cuffs.] Good! I shall mount the stage now and carve up this fine, fat Italian sausage!

MONTFLEURY:

[trying to be dignified] You outrage Thalia when you insult me!

CYRANO:

[very politely] You, Sir, are not acquainted in the least with that muse! But if she ever had the questionable pleasure of meeting you, you fat dullard, she would be inspired to kick you in the backside!

AUDIENCE:

Montfleury! Montfleury! Come, go on and play!

CYRANO:

[to those who are calling out] Have a care, all of you! If you keep on, you're liable to rouse my sword right out of its scabbard!

[The circle around him widens.]

THE CROWD:

[drawing back] Stay back from him! Beware!

CYRANO:

[to MONTFLEURY] Leave the stage! [The CROWD begins to murmur and to come nearer to CYRANO.] Did someone speak?

[The CROWD draws back again.]

A VOICE:

[singing at the back] Monsieur de Cyrano
Such a tyrant today
Oh, why won't he just go?
So that we can see the play!

AUDIENCE:

[singing] La Clorise! La Clorise!

CYRANO:

Let me hear you sing that foolish little song once more and I'll slaughter every man in this theater!

A BURGHER:

Oh, do you think yourself Samson?

CYRANO:

Yes, Samson! Will you lend me your jawbone, Sir?

A LADY:

[in the boxes] This is outrageous!

A LORD:

Scandalous!

A BURGHER:

Most annoying!

A PAGE:

Hilarious!

AUDIENCE:

[hissing] Montfleury! Cyrano!

CYRANO:

Silence!

AUDIENCE:

[wildly excited] Woof! Woof!—Quack! Quack!—Cock-a-doodle-doo!

CYRANO:

I order you all to—

A PAGE:

Meow!

CYRANO:

I order silence! And I challenge every man here! Come, all you young heroes! I'll write down your names and give each of you a number —everyone will get their turn! Come now, who wants to be first? You, Sir? No? You? No? Come on, the first opponent will be done away with honorably and sent straight to glory! Come now, who wants to die? Hold up your hands! [a silence] What is it? Too modest to face my naked sword? No one? Not one name? Good, then I shall proceed. [turning toward the stage, where MONTFLEURY waits in agony] This theater must be cured of this boil! [He puts his hand on his sword.] And if it won't leave of its own accord, then I shall have to lance it!

MONTFLEURY:

I—

CYRANO:

[leaves his chair, and settles himself in the middle of the circle which has formed] I will clap my hands three times, you full moon! On the third clap, I want to see you eclipse yourself!

AUDIENCE:

[amused] Ah!

CYRANO:

[clapping his hands] One!

MONTFLEURY:

I—

A VOICE:

[in the boxes] Stay!

AUDIENCE:

[divided] Stay!—Go!—No, stay!

MONTFLEURY:

I think, gentlemen—

CYRANO:

Two!

MONTFLEURY:

I think it would be wise if I—

CYRANO:

Three!

[MONTFLEURY suddenly disappears. There is a tempest of laughs, whistles and catcalls.]

AUDIENCE:

Coward! Come back!

CYRANO:

[delighted, sits back in his chair, arms crossed] Come back if you dare!

A BURGHER:

Call for the speaker of the theater!

[BELLEROSE comes forward and bows.]

THE BOXES:

Ah! Here's Bellerose!

BELLEROSE:

[elegantly] My noble lords—

AUDIENCE:

No! Give us Jodelet instead!

JODELET:

[advancing, speaking in an exaggerated nasal voice] Miserable calves!

AUDIENCE:

[laughing] Bravo, go on!

JODELET:

No bravos, Sirs! The fat tragedian, whom you all love, has had to—

AUDIENCE:

That coward!

JODELET:

—was obliged to go.

AUDIENCE:

Call him back!

SOME:

No!

OTHERS:

Yes!

A YOUNG MAN:

[to CYRANO] But, Sir, why do you hate Montfleury so much?

CYRANO:

[graciously, still seated] Young man, I have two reasons—either will suffice. First, he is a terrible actor. He heaves up his lines as though they were buckets of water drawn clumsily from a well, when instead, they should soar from his lips like the lightest of birds. The second reason …well, that's my secret.

A BURGHER:

[behind him] Shame on you! You deprive us of La Clorise! I must insist—

CYRANO:

[turning his chair toward the BURGHER, respectfully] You old mule! The verses of Baro are worthless trash! You should thank me for stopping the play!

LADY INTELLECTUALS:

[in the boxes] Our Baro! Oh dear! How dare he!

CYRANO:

[turning his chair toward the boxes gallantly] Fair ladies! Bloom and radiate, fill us with longing, intoxicate us with your beauty, charm death with your sweet smiles, inspire poetry—but don't attempt to judge it!

BELLEROSE:

We must give back the entrance fees!

CYRANO:

[turning his chair toward the stage] Bellerose, that's the smartest thing anyone has said all afternoon! You know how I love the theater and its actors. Therefore, I would never intentionally rend a tear in Thespis’ sacred cloak! [He rises and throws a bag onto the stage.] Catch then the purse I throw and hold your peace!

AUDIENCE

[dazzled] Ah!—Oh!

JODELET:

[catching the bag skillfully and weighing it] At this price, Sir, you are welcome to come and stop the play anytime!

AUDIENCE:

Boo! Boo!

JODELET:

Even if we all get booed!

BELLEROSE:

Clear out the hall!

JODELET:

Everybody out this minute!

[The people begin to go out, while CYRANO looks on with satisfaction. But the CROWD soon stops on hearing the following scene, and everyone remains where they are. The women, who, with their cloaks on, are already standing up in the boxes, stop to listen, and finally reseat themselves.]

LE BRET:

[to CYRANO] You are mad!

• In Greek mythology, Thalia was the muse of comedy and pastoral poetry.
• a case for a sword
• an allusion to the biblical story of Samson. In the Old Testament, Samson killed an army of Philistines with the jawbone of a donkey.
• an actor who plays tragic characters
• a Greek poet who lived during the sixth century BC; Thespis is commonly credited as the inventor of the Greek tragedy. The word thespian, which means actor, derives from Thespis.

1. Notes
2. Reading Pointers for Sharper Insights
3. Dedication
4. Dramatis Personae
5. Act I
   1. A Performance at the Hotel de Bourgogne
   2. Scene I
   3. Scene II
   4. Scene III
   5. Scene IV
   6. Scene V
   7. Scene VI
   8. Scene VII
6. Act II
   1. The Poet's Eating-House
   2. Scene I
   3. Scene II
   4. Scene III
   5. Scene IV
   6. Scene V
   7. Scene VI
   8. Scene VII
   9. Scene VIII
   10. Scene IX
   11. Scene X
   12. Scene XI
7. Act III
   1. Roxane's Kiss
   2. Scene I
   3. Scene II
   4. Scene III
   5. Scene IV
   6. Scene V
   7. Scene VI
   8. Scene VII
   9. Scene VIII
   10. Scene IX
   11. Scene X
   12. Scene XI
   13. Scene XII
8. Act IV
   1. The Cadets of Gascony
   2. Scene I
   3. Scene II
   4. Scene III
   5. Scene IV
   6. Scene V
   7. Scene VI
   8. Scene VII
   9. Scene VIII
   10. Scene IX
   11. Scene X
9. Act V
   1. Cyrano's Gazette
   2. Scene I
   3. Scene II
   4. Scene III
   5. Scene IV
   6. Scene V
   7. Scene VI
10. Copyright