Information on Long Lingering Deaths and Avoidance Thereof Not Currently Available

This cheerful little tome hailing from 1935 was published by Simon and Schuster and if you didn’t want to shell out the 25 cents to avoid sudden death, you possibly could be the beneficiary of the largess of “traffic policemen, “ who might hand you a copy along with your citation.   If you were extremely lucky, it might be “read aloud” to you “by judges.” 

There are three sections of this handy book. 

PART I:  HOW (or, “You’ll Never See it Coming”)

More specifically, “how you will look and how you will be dismembered, including sound effects.  Here’s a little snippet of the hell that awaits the imprudent motorist.  Imagine, if you will….:

“the flopping, pointless efforts of the injured to stand up; the queer, grunting noises; the steady panting groaning…the hysterical woman with her screaming mouth opening a hole in the bloody drip that fills her eyes and runs off her chin…If ghosts could be put to a useful purpose, every bad stretch of road in the United States would greet the on-coming motorist with groans and screams and the educational spectacle of ten or a dozen corpses, all sizes, sexes, and ages, lying horribly still on the bloody grass.”

Several gruesome ancedotes follow, naturally, designed to scare the bejeebers out of (mainly) teenagers and women.

Then there is this puzzling statement:  “An automobile is treacherous, just as a cat is.”  (But somewhat less likely to pee in your garage). 

PART II:  WHERE AND WHEN (Or, “Sudden” Does Not Equal Unexpected”)

“Mom!  Johnny isn’t home and it’s half past the nape of the neck!” 

PART III:  HOW TO AVOID IT (Or, “You’ll Stop Reading Here”)

Easily the most boring section of the guide.  No screaming bloody women or race cars or death clocks.  However, here are a few things you may want to print out and put on your fridge.  You know.  To Avoid Sudden Death.

Umbrelllas…the Cell Phones of the Depression

Even if they are Clark Kent.  Little known fact:  Superman not killed by Kryptonite, but by a 1930 Hispano-Suiza. 

Finally, if you must be a prissy dandy, avoid this situation:

Happy Motoring! 

Posted Wed, 09 Jul 2008 16:06:06 and filed under jamie, nonfiction, From the Vaults, Humor, Literature. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.